Cafeteria Catholic

Some confusion about "the real thing" here.

Clive Schlee, the Managing Director of the Away-in-a-Manger chain of shops, has reacted gallantly to a post on this blog asserting that, being in the food retail business, he was naturally inclined to be a Cafeteria Catholic. Indeed, he is now planning to withdraw the controversial line of Virgin Mary crisps, which has led to many enraged deacons furiously ignoring his shops.

His concession has rather taken the wind out of our sails...

Richard Branson - expecting to rename the "Virgin" brand in the near future.

Still, it seems a pity to waste a blog post, so here is an alternative account of what happened:

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I met Elvis C. Leech in his luxuriously-appointed office, which contains statues of Tina Beattie, Hans Küng and Catherine Pepinster as well as the latest issues of the the Tablet and National Catholic Reporter, as he explained his new range of hard-to-swallow products.

Eccles: Elvis, you say that your Virgin Mary crisps are "like the real thing but much drier." What completely batty religious beliefs do you have which lead you to presume that the Blessed Virgin Mary was flavoured with Worcestershire Sauce and chilli?

ECL: Oh, I am a great believer in Nutrition Theology, which associates religious figures with foodstuffs. When one of our staff suggested Virgin Mary crisps, I thought, "What a brilliant conception, Tony! Simply immaculate!" Of course then I had to make certain assumptions...

E: Keep digging, Elvis, you're in a deep hole already.

ECL: Well of course Our Lord is generally linked to bread and wine, so we thought nobody would be offended by our new range of "Christian Butties," which are made with lovingly-baked bread, flavoured with wine made from grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

Grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

E: Will there be any other foodstuffs associated with famous religious figures?

ECL: Yes, our market research suggested that the Muslim community would appreciate Mohamburgers, which of course contain only the finest beef, and no horse meat at all. However, we don't expect to make a prophet with that line. Perhaps we should make them from ham instead?

E: You just do that, Elvis, and I am sure that the Muslims will beat a path through your door.

ECL: There's also our new line of "I can't believe it's not Buddha" margarine. Guaranteed to make you lose weight - to enlighten you, in fact.

I can't believe that's not a Buddha knife!

E: Thank you very much, Elvis. Lots of food for thought there. I wouldn't eat any of it, however.

How to choose a new Archbishop

With the eyes of the world on the Anglican church, we offer some advice to help it choose a new Archbishop of Canterbury.

1. The Buddhist method. Look for a baby who is a reincarnation of Rowan Williams. Two problems here: first, Rowan is not actually dead; second, this would leave the Church of England without firm leadership for about fifteen years. Oh - so no change there, then.

The new occupant of the high chair of St Augustine?

2. The Catholic method. Lock all the bishops away in a room and don't let them come out until they are able to declare "Habemus Puppet:" this means that one of their number will do what the rest tell him (this is the Anglican church, after all). He will also change his name; so we may end up with an Archbishop Æthelnoth II, or Plegmund II, or even Rowan II. The only snag we can see is that if one locks up all the Anglican bishops in a room, then the winner will be the only one without a knife in his back.

Habemus Puppet!

3. The Government would find it so much easier to push its agenda of same-sex marriage for all if the Church of England could be converted into a government department. In this scenario, there is a strong case for appointing Nick Clegg as the new Archbishop. As a man with no strong religious views he will appeal to all sections of the Anglican church. Moreover, he has nothing much else to do at present.

Let us put our hands together for a few simple prayers.

4. Well, if the Queen wants to be supreme governor of the church, can't she do her own dirty work? Technically, she could be advised by David Cameron, a man who thinks that the Magna Carta is one of the ordinaries of the Latin Mass, but she prefers to take advice from scholarly publications such as the Sun and Daily Mail.

The Queen studies the form book and desperately tries to decide between +Cuthbert Bognor-Regis and +Elvis Luton.

I meets an Angliccan

Nuffink to report from my dere bruvver Bosco (Pop Bozodict I) todday. He is in de gardden writtin papal bulls. I did take a pitcher so dat you can see how dificult it is if de bull dont want to be written.



De life of a Pop sure aint as easy as it looks.

Anyways, we had a knock on de door, and dere was a cosstume holly man standin dere. "Ullo," he said. "I is Farver Malcoml, an Angliccan preist in good stand-in." I has discovvered dat when preists says "good stand-in" dey means dat dey finks everryone else is in bad stand-in, and dey is gonna tell em.



Farver Malcoml says he aint a typiccal Angliccan, as he is very infleunced by Bhuddism. Anti Moly took to him immediately, as she met de Dolly Llama when she was a little girl and he won her devottion by givvin her lots of gin. Dem Bhuddists is also very skilled in marital arts, which means you gotta say "Om" and frow poeple out of de winder. But Farver Malcoml has got a quick temper, and I hopes he dont give me a Carroty Chop or try doin Juddo. He says dat he read a lot of Jong too, dat's a fammuos Korrean Philosoper what died recently.

Anyways, Farver Malcoml went out for a walk in de street wiv Anti Moly, lookin for oportunnities to commit greivuos boddily Om.



Dat's Anti Moly practisin her Kong Foo.

Aldough I is saved alreddy, and my big bruvver is an Antipop, I is very interrested in lookin at non-Chritsian relligoins like Angliccanism. I heard dere was a famuous Jewish Rabi (not a Rabit, dats somefink different) called Bellattor in de nieghbourhood, and I was finkin of going to see what he gotta say as well.

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Reggular readers will know dat at de end of Augusst Bosco won a stateu of St Peter in a competitoin, well not de whole stateu, just a big foot. We has put it in de gardden, and it attracts monks from miles aruond what wants to be devotted to it. Here is one of dem givvin it a kiss.



I don't fink he can be saved.

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Brakin News. Anti Moly is wonderin whevver to sue de grate novellist Cuttley for libbel. In his best-sellin novvel "Thopmson takes charge" dere is a charracter called "Mattron" wot is a lazy old lady who drinks lotsa gin. Anti Moly is takin it as a pussonal insullt.

Anti Moly's memiors

Life is very interrestin for my Grate-Anti Moly at present. She is enjoyin her time at de seaside, wiv dem grate oportunitties of meetin new poeple and screemin at dem. As I has alreddy recorded, she is very interrested in Bhuddism, and she says dat she has been many interrestin poeple in previous lives wiv whom she shares many good quallities, viz Ned Kelly, de Witch of Endor, and Lucrezzia Borggia. Dis may explane why Anti Moly hates Cathlics cos frankly dem Borggias got up to some evil fings as you might expect, and she says dem Pops aint changed much since den.

Here is a jolly pitcher of Anti Moly in her Witch of Endor incranation. Frankly she aint changed much. We dat is saved and reads de Bibble knows dat Anti Moly is talking to Sual who is askin to see the spirrit of de profit Sameul. Sameul aint too pleased wiv dis, as when dey puts "Rest in Peace" on your tobmstone dis means dat you doesnt want to be waked up every time some niusance feels like a chat.



Since you is probbably readin dis blogg in order to be saved I is happy to explane dis pitcher so dat you can learn somethin usefull.

Anyway, Anti Moly has decidded to write her memiors, which will be facsinatin readin I am sure. I was expectin her to tell about her past career as a seller of haddocks in de fish market (dey calls dem fish wives aldough dey aint really married to fish), and den her later career wiv de Molybendite Minin Company when dey sent her underguond wiv a lamp on her head and a pickaxe, and told her to stop hittin de uvver minors.

I aint got a pitcher of Anti Moly in de mines, but here is a pitcher of a typiccal woman minor. She looks strangley familliar, maybe she is a rellative of ours.



However, Anti Moly have decidded to focuss on de traggic evennts on Damain Thopmson's blogg in June 2010 when she had a fihgt wiv some Cathlics and got banned. "I has only writted about it very breifly on Damain's blogg," she explaned, "and de full story have not yet been told. It will need about 200 pages in my memiors to explane what went on, and how I was not to blame for anything."

Pussonally, I fink I'd rather read about her times as a dancer (she used de stage name Waltzin Mattilda), but Anti Moly is de boss.

I doesnt dare show dis to my bruvver Bosco but dey has made an iddle of Ned Kelly (a previous incranation of Anti Moly), and de face is nearly worn away wiv Cathlics kissin it.



You doesnt often see saints wiv guns, dey aint mentoined in de Bibble and so we is all a bit shocked by dis one.

Moly and Dolly

Bosco he have been very quiet reccently, as he is preparin his campaing for becommin de next Pop. Dis aint as easy as it sounds, as you gotta get lotsa Cradinals to vote for you, and dem Cradinals mostly aint saved. It aint no good havin a fish hat and de right robes if you cant git dem to vote for you. So Bosco he is writtin to all de Cradinals wiv de followin tactfull message:

ULLO COSTUME HOLY MAN, YOU AINT SAVED. VOTE BOSCO FOR POP!

Dis is a pitcher of a Pop, notice dat he is about to swallow a live birdie. Bosco says he aint never done dat, but he eats pet hamsters sometimes and it cant be much different.



Anti Moly have been doin more interestin things, as she have decided to become a Bhuddist. Dis is partly becuase she says she was a Haddock in a previous incranation, but more becuase she once met de Dolly Llama and said dat he was nearly as holy as St Cuttley, wot she so admires.

Dis Dolly Llama is very old, it says on Wikkipedia dat he was born in 1391. Anti Moly says she met him in about 1920, when she was a litle girl on holliday in Tibbet. He invited her into de summer pallace and gave her as much gin as she wanted. She says he is straihgtforward, honnest, tollerant and kind, unlike de Pop who didnt even offer her a cup of tea.

I buoght a statue of de Dolly Llama for Anti Moly to kiss, and here it is. But she replied "You is a morron, Eccles." What is I doin wrong?



I also fuond dis pitcher of a Bhuddist sittin in a pond which is what Bhuddists likes doin. Dere is someone lookin over his shuolder which at first sihgt looked like Anti Moly but it turns out to be a cobbra. Perhaps it is my Anti Moly in a prevvious incranation.

De passover

Well I heard Bosco talkin to Anti Moly, and explanin dat de Lord was gonna send us de final plaque, de sluaghter of de first-born, but not to worry cos if de Angle of Death came we was gonna say dat de first-born was now Eccles (dis was a kind fing he did for me yesterday), who was a tottal pest wiv his blogg and would be no grate loss. Anti Moly replied "Ha. I'm gonna say you was twins, den I wont have any more probblems with crazy peeple trying to save me."

De next fing I knew, Bosco was packin a siutcase. He said "I'm goin on de run," and carefuly stowed away some of his souvennirs (like de toe of St Peter dat once got stuck to Bosco's nose, and de saccred statue of St Imbecilicus, wot is Bosco's Gaurdian Angle).



"Can I come wiv you, Bosco?" I asked. "We got lotsa people to convert who aint saved, I wouldnt mind talkin to de Buhddists next, dey should be easy to convert to de delights of de Calumny Chappel. Dis Dolly Llama woman sounds like a pushover."

Well to cut a long story short, Bosco said he'd rather face de Angle of Death than have me followin him round for de rest of his life (dat's not nice, Bosco). We bein saved we knows our Bibble, and de answer is that you gotta put labm's blud on de door. Den de Angle of Death comes by and says "Ho hum, dat's labm's blud. Dese chaps is saved. Anyone in next door?" Never fails. So we raided Anti Moly's wine cellar, openned a bottle of her Chatteau Moutton Wrathchild, and did just dat. Just to be on de safe side Bosco dressed up as a nun and hid in de tiolet, where he writes his luvvly bloggs. Here he is.



Well we is all pleased dat de passover went OK. De Angle of Death dropped in and turned out to be an old friend of Anti Moly's from her days as a chorus girl in Austriala, so we gave it a cup of tea. Dem plaques is over, and Bosco he have been given a strong warnin: "You gotta make more of an effort to convert people, or dis could be you, Bosco!"