And with your spirit

In which Fr Xylophone analyses a sacred text.

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Caesar adsum jam forte. Brutus aderat. Caesar sic in omnibus. Brutus sic in at.

These words, from the Book of the Prophet Dogrel, are best read in the original Latin; not surprisingly, they are used only in the traditional Roman rite. For the benefit of my more stupid readers, I will translate them as follows: Caesar, I am present now, by chance. Brutus was present. Caesar, thus in all things. And Brutus (is) thus in.

Julius Caesar listens to the word of God. In Latin, of course.

The passage begins as a divine message to Caesar, asserting God's presence. Adsum, adesse, adfui, I want you to learn this verb before our next Mass, as there will be a small test as you come into church. Obviously God has manifested Himself in various ways (cf. Hebrews 1:1: In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways), and here He is addressing Caesar, the great-uncle of the man who sent Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem.

It is the "by chance" that brings us up short. I think we must regard this as Divine irony. For He leaves nothing to chance.

God does not play dice.

What are we to make of the next sentence, where Brutus is introduced? Is this the celebrity conspirator, who inspired one of the shortest verses in the Bible: Et tu, Brute? Well possibly: but more probably he symbolises Brutality: the Devil, say, or perhaps the National Catholic Reporter [aka Fishwrap].

So the Lord is telling Caesar that, although He is present, there is Evil present too. The message is repeated again in different words, a literary device known to experts as Repeating again in different words.

This reading reminds us of the importance of God's grace. Without it, we are vulnerable to the attacks of Brutus.

Drop that dagger, Mr Brutus!

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Numinous Nun Tea

For those who say they don't drink coffee [and this is something you would need to mention at Confession, so be careful!] the Numinous Nuns offer their own brand of tea.

A numinous nun serves tea.

Numinous Nun tea is blended by the Little Sisters of the Pot, a traditional Catholic order founded by St Camellia Sinensis. Order yours now!

Do not accept any other tea, especially not the soul-rotting rubbish that is on sale at StarWars.

The President of the StarWars chain of tea shops. Not numinous!

The Telegraphies

Who can resist the jolly antics of the Telegraphies - Molly, Micky, Marky and Pau? With their silly catch-phrases and their crazy games, they have become an instant hit on the Telegraph blogs.

* We giggle as Molly, the senile one, thinks up more revolting insults than ever before. We chuckle as she tells us about her tolerance for all religions except orthodox Catholicism. We fall asleep as she tells us anecdotes about her "rels." Molly's the one who drinks all the hair-restorer.

* We smile as little Micky, the one who may be male or female (or something in between), pastes dozens of links to anti-Catholic articles on dodgy websites and says "ROFL" whenever challenged to debate an issue seriously. Weep with Micky when she (or perhaps he) tells you how dreadfully unfair life is. Micky's the one whose only friend is a llama.

* Then there's Marky, the intellectual of the group, who has read Dawkins and Einstein, and thinks they are theologians. However, Marky really prefers to curl up with a good story about child abuse.

* Finally there's creepy old Pau, the "gay icon," who trawls the internet, looking for information about his victims. Pau likes religion, but not the serious bits.

And now Damian Thompson says "Bye-bye."