De weddin of Tom Chivvers

Tom Chivvers in his weddin graments

Anti Moly and me is still stayin at Castle Thopmson in Notting Hell, but we doesn't see much of our host Damain Thopmson, as he is lockin himself away in his studdy to work on his new book, de definitive boigraphy of Glayds Mills, de concert painist.

Damain is very fond of paino music, especailly de classics. De great Stehpen Huogh was round here recently playin a meldey of his favuoite concert pieces, such as "Where did you get dat hat?" (arranged by Rachnaminov) and "We wish you a merry Christmas," wiv de immortal lines about "We all likes figgy puddings," which was condenmed by Paul Inwood as bein thoelogically too complex for de modern Cathlic chruch.

Stephen Huogh

Anyway, Damain looked up from writin his definitive account of Glayds Mills's weight probblems, to tell us, "By de way, my colleageu Tom Chivvers is gettin married on Satturday." Anti Moly has got a bit of a crush on Tom Chivvers, because he is pollite, charmin and non-Cathlic, and she put down her gin bottle and fainted dellicately.

Damain went onto explain dat de lucky bride was called Pat, but, because Tom is in de forefront of libberal thinkin, and likes to shock de traditoinalists, he wasnt sure whevver it was a man or a woman.

When my dere Anti recovered, she decided dat she would emullate de story of young Lockenvar, wot is a Scots chap who interrupted a wedding to carry off de bride on his horse.

Young Lockenvar on a horse

Since Tom is an athiest, he wasnt gonna get married in a chruch, althuogh dere is chruches in Soho and de Plymuoth diocese dat will do same-sex marriages (we saw a card in a tellephone box, "Kinky Cathlic weddins, all tastes catered for. Ask for Farver Muriel"). Instead, he had hired de Allbert Hall, as dere was gonna be quite a lot of poeple attendin. He was gettin Stephen Hawkin to conduct de weddin, a proniment atheist wot knows all about big bangs; he has also been competin in de Parrylympics.

Anti aint gotta horse, so I suggested dat, bein Austrialan, she could ride to de Allbert Hall on a crocodile, or maybe have a cart pulled by a team of wombats. But in de end she managed to borrow a donkey, and rode off on her heroic missoin.

Old Molyvar on a donkey (note de bridal bouqeut)

Well, I went dere by more traditoinal means, gettin Dan Hannan, Damain's chuaffeur, to drive me to de Allbert Hall. He refussed to obey de "Keep Left" signs dat David Cameron has been puttin up everywhere, so we was nearly late.

As you can see from de pitcher bellow, de weddin was well attended. Is dat Edwina Curry in de photto bellow?

Tom Chivvers Weddin. De geusts is very happy.

Well I has been keepin you on tenterhocks, but now I can reveel de identtity of de blushin bride, Pat. Well, Tom he is wot dey calls a geek or a nerd, and it turns out dat PAT is a laptop computter (PAT is Personal Applied Technology). Dis explanes a certian cryptic remark dat Damain's butler, Will Heaven, made, when he told Muvver Odone de cook, "I saw Tom wiv PAT on his lap again." Tom got de idea from a flim of Walt Sidney, and I fink dis is what de Chivvers fambly will look like in 15 years from now.

Tom Chivvers fambly, 2027

When Anti Moly learnt dat her successfull rivall was a computter, she said "Dat's reely woful," and decided to cancel de elopment. So Tom's weddin went ahead as planned. I aint often sentimenttal on dis blogg, which is normally written to provide spiritaul nuorishment, but I do fink de happy couple is made for each uvver. Readin his blogg, I has sometimes even wondered whevver TOM is de name of a computter, as well. Thinking Opinion Machine, maybe.

De miraccle of de fishes

I found Bosco in de garden, he had set a wild bush on fire and was chattin wiv it, tellin it dat he was chossen by God to be saved, and he was goin to libberate his peopel (dat's me and Grate-Anti Moly). He's always a kind bruvver. But de burnin bush werent very talkkative just then, so Bosco decided to come in from de garden.

Bosco have his moments when de concusion aint too bad, and dis morning he said "Eccles, let's git some fish for de pond in de garden". So he made a tellyphone call and a big lorry came up and dellivered a parccel, it said "DANGER! PIRAHNA FISH!" I left em to put de fish in de pond, as I had to go and see Anti Moly just den, she was screemin "Sockpoppet" out of de window at a funerral procesion goin by in de street. She thouoght dey mihgt be Cathlics, and she likes to keep in pracctise.

A few hours later, Bosco and I was walkin in de gardden tellin each uvver dat we was reely happy bein saved, and plannin our feindish revenge on dem herretics wot wrote on de wall "Bosco, you aint saved". When we got near de fish pond, my big bruvver tripped and knocked me into de water wiv a splosh. "Oh dere, Eccles is bein eaten by pirahna fish!" said Bosco. "Dat's a shame, innit? Well, bye-bye, Eccles, see you in Heaven I expect. Ha ha ha." (I suppose dat was hyssterics, but some mihgt mistakke it for a happy chukcle at de demisse of his luvvin bruvver.)

But de Lord give us a miraccle, and I weren't eaten by de dreddful fish. Actaully, it turned out dat, earlier in de day, Anti Moly had dived into de pond and eaten all de fish up, her dietarry requirments is sometimes a little odd. Of course no fish would bite my Anti Moly as she got very tuogh skin.

Bosco dere bruvver, I is very worried about our freind Damain Thopmson, despite all our eforts he is still a Cathlic. Now he have posted another pitcher of an iddle on his blogg, he says he is going to de Albet Hall to kiss it on Sunday. He cannot be saved like us.