A thoroughly modern Muslim

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson is one of the new breed of "liberal" Muslims, most of whom were greatly influenced by the "Mecca II" council of the 1960s.

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson.

When I came to interview him in his beautiful Kensington house, from which he operates London's biggest camel-hire business, he explained that, although culturally a Muslim, his religious beliefs had been much influenced by modern liberals such as Polly Toynbee, George Galloway, and Tina Beattie.

In fact, Islamic belief in Britain is currently in a state of flux, as the so-called "Magic Crescent" of liberal Ayatollahs is anxious to welcome all believers, regardless of colour, race, creed, sexual orientation or even religious conviction. George naturally finds his place in a liberal Mosque, where they even hold "gay" services.

The Mosque where Imam Nichols operates.

George's charming wife Aisha (age 9) was away at the Cat Stevens Primary School when I called round, but she had left a pile of sausage rolls for us to consume with our Château Hamza claret, in itself a sign that George no longer follows the Islamic customs as strictly as his ancestors (the Cholmondeley-Farquharsons of Libya) used to.

Food for a modern Muslim.

I asked him about his praying rituals. Did he make use of a prayer mat for regular worship ad orientem? George explained to me that, since Mecca II, it had become customary for prayers to be held in a west-facing position, so that one had one's back towards Allah. Moreover, the traditional prayer mat had been in urgent need of modernization.

Novus Ordo prayer mat.

George himself is very fond of participating in ecumenical services - for example he attends a Catholic church in Croydon where the deacon welcomes Muslim worshippers, explaining that "After all, we all believe the same thing really."

George has not been on the traditional haj, finding Mecca a little too expensive for a pilgrimage. However, he is shortly planning a two-week stay in Bradford, visiting the Alhambra Theatre, a well-known shrine. Here he plans to hear a Paul Inwood arrangement of sacred Islamic music, played by the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

The Alhambra, Bradford, soon to host sacred music from the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

Finally I asked George about his cultural traditions. "Well, I am a very ecumenical Muslim, so I feel slighly uneasy about smiting the infidel," he explained. "In our weekly Koran-study classes, we learn that we are promised 72 virgins in Paradise if we go berserk and slaughter a few Christians. But then - who wants 72 mothers-in-law? No, I decided to go for the lesser 'all the sherbet you can eat' option, and this only required me to cut the hands off the local vicar."

Father Cleese, of the Church Militant.

As I said my farewells to George, I reflected that Islam, the religion of peace, is adapting itself very well to modern secular culture. How can anyone find anything objectionable in George's lifestyle?

Why can't the churches do as I say?

For those who missed Tim Montgomerie's Times article No palace, no politics. Just Christian teaching (which is most people, as you would probably need to pay to read it), here is a summarised version.

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One reason I became a Christian, at the age of 36, was the writings of C.S. Lewis. I was reading this very exciting story about a lion, a witch and a wardrobe, and it was explained to me that Aslan was just another name for God. Since I adore big cats, I knew that a religion which worshipped a lion was just the one for me.

Aslan. The Bible says that Jesus was incarnated as a lion.

Nowadays, I think the churches have lost their way. They are trying to give a moral lead, and to obstruct policies agreed by democratically-elected politicians. They hardly ever sit down to any serious lion-worshipping.

However, now that a new Archbishop of Canterbury is to be appointed, it is a great opportunity for all the churches to get back to basics. Here are my plans for the Church of England: I am sure that the Catholics, the Muslims, and the Jews (etc.) will immediately follow suit. After all, as far as I can tell, they all believe roughly the same things.

Sell off the churches for affordable starter homes and all-night supermarkets. This is what the country needs now, not a building for people to gather in and think subversive thoughts.

St Paul's - would be much more useful as another branch of Tesco's.

A total reorganization of church services. My researches have shown that priests are unnecessary, since it does not require special training for someone to read out a few prayers. Moreover, churches should be a forum for discussion, taking the House of Commons as a model.

The liturgy should be amended according to the needs of the day. For example, the words Gloria in Excelsis Deo or "Glory to God in the Highest" should be a motion for debate, and not to be taken for granted. In a pilot scheme, we found that a focus group preferred to amend this to Habe bonum diem, Deus or "Have a nice day, God," a motion which was then passed by a two-thirds majority.

Aslan, having a nice day.

Don't try and give a moral lead. Luckily, the main Christian churches have more-or-less dropped the idea of making moral judgements, but a few rogue bishops and archbishops will insist on talking about sex. I have read "The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe," and I can assure you that Aslan never talks about sex.

The more libertarian approach adopted by the BBC seems to work very well. There's this chap called Savile who's been in the news recently: I haven't kept up with the full story here, but all I'm saying is, why can't the churches follow his example and stop treating sexual activity as something that should only take place in private?

Confession. Once the government has been allowed to take over the churches, Confession will operate as it does in police stations - a priest with a truncheon will hit the penitent sinner until he or she confesses their sins.

A really interesting Confession, requiring four priests for Absolution.

Vestments. Again, these are unnecessary in the modern era. The churches should take their lead from politicians, and dress simply.

"Here comes the bride," a humble politician in simple dress.

I trust that my words of advice will be taken up by the people in authority. Times are changing, and the churches need to change too, or they will become places where only the religious-minded will feel at home. Next week, I'll be giving more details of my plans to make divine worship conform to a proper business model.

Inside a mosque. But wouldn't it be more businesslike with computers, filing cabinets, and proper office furniture?

Pope forbids "Muslim" food

By Walim Ahdi of the Salafic Herald.

In response to the edict from a Salafi group that Muslims should not eat tomatoes because they are "Christian" food, the Pope has issued an encyclical De Cibo Musulmano, prohibiting Catholics from eating "Muslim" foods.

The tomato, food for pious Catholics. Note the sign of the Cross.

Unlike the faithful tomato, which suggests the purely Christian image of the Cross, other foodstuffs have distinctly Muslim connotations.

So today French bakers were up in arms, singing "Allons, enfants de la patisserie," as they learnt that croissants may no longer be consumed by Catholics.

Eating this says, "I am a Muslim." Bananas are similarly proscribed.

But less obvious foodstuffs are also on the Pope's "anathema" list.

One of these is a cake, the other the Kaaba in Mecca. Can you say which is which?

It is cakes, which often resemble Islamic buildings, that are considered particularly dangerous. This little girl will be getting a strongly-worded letter from her Bishop.

A heretical cake in the shape of a mosque. Note the four minarets.

Even concealing your cake is sometimes not enough. Here we see a deliberate attempt to evoke the image of a pious Muslim woman in a burka.

Easily mistaken for a Muslim woman.

Finally, the owner of this blog may be in deep trouble with Catholics and Muslims alike, since Eccles cakes, no less, often suggest the images of people from Islamic history.

Faces, yes. Not the Prophet. Honestly.

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Other Christian denominations broadly agree with the Catholic line. As we see below, many Baptists also regard the tomato as a truly sacred fruit.

A young woman is baptised in tomatoes. (Pomodoro Baptist Church, USA.)