Piero Marini rejoices

No person in the world could be more delighted at the election of Pope Francis than Archbishop Piero Marini, the president of the Pontifical Committee for International Eucharistic Congresses.

Archbishop Marini attempts to administer a custard pie to Pope Benedict.

"How I hate Pope Benedict," he said. "I had been having a great time as master of ceremonies for John-Paul II. It's an easy job - I just had to open a few bottles whenever there was a papal party, and propose the occasional toast. But then Benedict gave me a serious job, where I had to do lots of paperwork and answer letters."

"What's more John-Paul baked me birthday cakes. Benedict always burnt them."

Continued Marini: "Oh, how I suffered under Pope Benedict. We had been breathing the waters of a swamp, and it had a bad smell. We'd been in a church afraid of everything, with problems such as Vatileaks and the paedophilia scandals. Why, I was almost tempted to do something about it. Ugh, and the Pope used Twitter too."

Letting the bad smells out of the Sistine Chapel.

"Now that Pope Francis is here," he continued, "we can expect a total rewriting of Christian doctrine. If he follows my advice he will make the Catholic church entirely secular. Catholic same-sex marriages can't be far away - I read that in the Tablet, so it must be true."

Note: Piero Marini is not to be confused with Guido Marini, seen below (left).

Guido, you stand in the middle, then our colour scheme will give the French flag.

Pope forbids "Muslim" food

By Walim Ahdi of the Salafic Herald.

In response to the edict from a Salafi group that Muslims should not eat tomatoes because they are "Christian" food, the Pope has issued an encyclical De Cibo Musulmano, prohibiting Catholics from eating "Muslim" foods.

The tomato, food for pious Catholics. Note the sign of the Cross.

Unlike the faithful tomato, which suggests the purely Christian image of the Cross, other foodstuffs have distinctly Muslim connotations.

So today French bakers were up in arms, singing "Allons, enfants de la patisserie," as they learnt that croissants may no longer be consumed by Catholics.

Eating this says, "I am a Muslim." Bananas are similarly proscribed.

But less obvious foodstuffs are also on the Pope's "anathema" list.

One of these is a cake, the other the Kaaba in Mecca. Can you say which is which?

It is cakes, which often resemble Islamic buildings, that are considered particularly dangerous. This little girl will be getting a strongly-worded letter from her Bishop.

A heretical cake in the shape of a mosque. Note the four minarets.

Even concealing your cake is sometimes not enough. Here we see a deliberate attempt to evoke the image of a pious Muslim woman in a burka.

Easily mistaken for a Muslim woman.

Finally, the owner of this blog may be in deep trouble with Catholics and Muslims alike, since Eccles cakes, no less, often suggest the images of people from Islamic history.

Faces, yes. Not the Prophet. Honestly.

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Other Christian denominations broadly agree with the Catholic line. As we see below, many Baptists also regard the tomato as a truly sacred fruit.

A young woman is baptised in tomatoes. (Pomodoro Baptist Church, USA.)