The Boat of Fools visits Blogfen

You stupid cat, you left the iPad at home.

This week our "Mystery Worshipper" attended the church of Blogfen, in which every parishioner is a distinguished blogger.

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What was the name of the service?Mass v. 1962.

Did anyone welcome you personally?Yes, when I arrived, they said: "We haven't seen you here before. What blog do you write? What's it about? I explained that I wrote the spiritually nourishing Eccles blog, and they let me enter.

Who conducted the service?Fr Tim Finigan, one of the famous "Finigan and Finnegan" team of priestly bloggers.

Fr Finigan discusses a question of hermeneutics with Fr Finnegan.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?People were piously consulting their iPads. Looking at my neighbour, I could see that she was drafting a post for her blog eccentric.visitors.blogfen.com, although she hid the screen when I tried to read it.

What books did the congregation use during the service?No books! They all had iPads, smartphones, or laptops. One more traditionalist worshipper insisted on using an older computer.

A traditionalist worshipper, refusing to use a post-Vatican II computer.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?Fr F. explained the Hermeneutic of Rupture, which meant that, although worship was best conducted in line with traditional methods, it was necessary to reject some old-fashioned technology (here he glared at the blogger pictured above, who was now feeding a paper tape into his IBM mainframe).

The women all wore traditional mantillas at Mass.

Did anything distract you? Yes, there were some children present. They were mostly blogging away piously throughout the service, but occasionally they hit each other with their iPads.

A young blogger learns about bytes.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?In fact, full details were being written up for coffee.blogfen.comeven as I drank it. We were served Musket Monk coffee, which had been sent as a present from a blogging priest in the USA whose name I didn't catch.

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Coming soon - we visit a totally different kind of service.

Catholic Dilemmas

Is it wrong to use an iPad in church? When I took it out to catch up on the cricket score during the sermon, someone behind me tutted loudly.

He striketh them as wicked men in the open sight of others. Job 34:26.

Nowadays it is considered permissible to use an iPad to read the scriptures or the liturgy, provided that you don't annoy your neighbours with bright lights, etc. (Try not to use a Tablet, as it isn't considered to be very Catholic.) We understand that the sermon you missed was a fascinating meditation on the sixteen sacred documents of Vatican II, together with a recently-discovered 17th document Decree concerning the sacred pastoral dogmatic constitution on the apostolate of the renewal of priestly mission through the divine ministry of the ecumenical activity of social communication with the laity. It beats anything you'll find in the Bible, you must agree.

The Good David Shepherd.

That aside, lifting one leg up into the air when the score reaches 111 (Nelson) is a mere cricketers' superstition, and you should have known better than to do it when the priest said "Lift up your hearts."

I asked Father Christmas for an iPad, but instead he brought me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Are any of these permissible accessories in church?

The iPart in a pear tree.

Well, not really, although they might supplement the choir, which is having some trouble with that latest Paul Inwood chant, "Alleluia, cluck, cluck!" However, we do try to discourage worshippers from bringing their presents along to Mass. Our own deacon managed to disgrace himself this week, taking out his new electric razor for a quick shave during a moment when we were supposed to be praying silently. "Jeshush shaves," he said, and then fell over. I think he's been overworking.

The tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.Psalm 52:2.

When the priest said "Let us offer each other the sign of peace," my neighbour pinched me on the bottom. Is this what they mean by "some other appropriate gesture?"

Well, it's very much the done thing in Italy and Spain, and indeed, you might be offended if they didn't offer you such a courtesy. However, the further north you go, the less acceptable such gestures become. In Brighton, they kiss each other and go "Mwah! Darling!" In Croydon, they rub noses.

The Brontë sisters - too far north for inappropriate gestures.

But by the time you get to northern wastelands such as Lancashire and Yorkshire, folding the arms and saying "Aye, lass!" is considered to be the limit to which intimacy can go.