Some New Hymns

As a change from "Bad hymns," where we say cruel things to modern hymn-writers, we are now going to invite in some older hymn-writers, to tell them where they went wrong. Today we welcome John Henry Newman, author of hymns such as Lead, kindly Light, and Praise to the Holiest in the height, which are hardly ever sung in church these days. Now, why is that?

Cardinal Newman - where did he go wrong?

E: Welcome, John, and congratulations on your Beatification - I was really rooting for you. Now, your first hymn starts:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

Not very snappy, is it? I suppose you never used to play the guitar, did you? Or shake the tambourine?

JHN: That's true, Eccles, I did try to introduce these to the Birmingham Oratory, but the traddies wouldn't have it. So how can I bring my hymn up to date?

E: Well, taking the tune of Walk in the Light, how about rewriting it as:

Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead on, as I'm far from home!

Watson, the night is dark and we are far from home.

JHN: Yes, I think that would work. So Verse 2 could be:

Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
One step's the right thing for me!

E: You're learning quickly, John. This is the sort of hymn that Catholic congregations are singing these days. None of your flowery language!

JHN: Can we do something about Praise to the Holiest in the height, Eccles? It comes from my poem The Dream of Gerontius.

Gerontius, catching up on some sleep.

E: Gerontius? I suppose it's too late to give him a more with-it name? The Dream of Dave, maybe? Well, let's see how it starts:

Praise to the Holiest in the height,
And in the depth be praise;
In all His words most wonderful,
Most sure in all His ways.

E: I think the problem here, John, is that there are at least four different ideas in that verse. And later on you get very involved in sin and redemption, and all that sort of Jesus-stuff, whereas modern congregations should be singing about how happy they are.

JHN: Yes, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Could I use the tune of "Follow me, follow me?"

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue,
Oh we like to praise our holy holy Friend,
For He sorted us out, yes He did, for me and you,
So we're saved, yes we're saved, and that's the end. 

Chorus: Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, 
praise the holy holy Lord... (ad libitum)

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue...

E: Very good, John. You got through the main points of your hymn much more quickly that time, didn't you?

JHN: Thanks for your wise advice, Eccles. Now I see how real hymn-writers work.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 11

Continued from Chapter 10

1. So Richard entered into the evening of his life, that is, the days of his retirement.

2. And his wife Lalla spake unto him, saying, "Richard, thou hast served thy genes well. Now is the time to take it easy, to sit on the sofa and watch Countdown."

3. "Or we could go down to the Darby and Joan Club and play Bingo; or we could travel afar and see my relatives on Gallifrey, such as the Meddling Monk, Morbius, and the Valeyard."

Uncle Morbius.

4. But Richard said, "Nay, my work is not yet done. For example, I have to minister over my website, dawkins.egotrip.net, that which is banned in Turkey, because it dares to say the unsayable."

5. For Richard had bravely mocked the Prophet Mohammed, hinting that he was not the sort of person who would be welcome on High Table at New College, Oxford. And this did not go down too well with the Turks.

This town ain't big enough for two prophets

6. After this humiliation at the hands of the Turks, Richard was wrathful, saying, "How is it that I, who wrote a thesis about chickens, am not idolized in Turkey?"

7. And the worshippers at the shrine of Dawkins laughed heartily at Richard's brilliant pun, saying "ROFL" and "LOL."

8. Which, being translated, means "O Richard, not only do you have the wisdom of Solomon, but you also have the comic genius of a Groucho Marx."

Richard, from the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

9. Then it came to pass that Richard had an even more strikingly brilliant idea, which would bring him great fame, and lead to increased sales for his books.

10. "I SHALL ARREST THE POPE," he said.

11. "For he is guilty of crimes against humanity, because he refuses to bow his knee at the shrine of Dawkins."

Probably drinking the blood of sweet furry kittens

12. "Indeed, this international gang-leader cometh to Great Britain soon, to meet his criminal associates, 'Vicious' Vince Nichols, Keith 'The Hat' O'Brien, and 'Fingers' Murphy-O'Connor."

13. "I have discovered that they are going to dig up the loot stashed away by John Henry 'Gerontius' Newman."

"Gerontius" Newman, the 19th century gangster

14. "And when the Pope appears, I shall arise and grab his collar, saying 'Ullo, ullo, ullo, what's all this then?' and 'You're nicked, sunshine.' Then I shall say unto him, 'I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station'."

15. "And the Pope will reply unto me saying 'It's a fair cop, guv'nor. I dunnit all right. Pax vobiscum.'"

Richard Dawkins prepares to arrest the Pope

16. But in fact things did not quite work out according to plan.

Continued in Chapter 12.