New saints' names available

Although it is no longer forbidden by Canon Law, many priests are unhappy about baptising babies with names that are neither Biblical nor the names of saints: for example, Jay-Z, Harper Seven, or Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.

Some say that "Tiger" was given her name because she was stripy.

Pope Francis has noted these concerns, and has agreed to do a "bulk-canonization" of dead people with particularly silly names, so that in future Catholic parents will be able to use them without embarrassment. These may include non-Catholics of a particularly saintly reputation.

St Groucho.

An addition to people with silly names, the Pope is also planning to canonize representative people called Darren, Tracey, Barack, Harrison, Rock, Whoopi and Beyoncé, which are all popular names amongst modern Catholics.

Some people would draw the line at a St Eeyore.

In a powerfully-worded editorial in the Tablet, Catherine Pepinster has argued that the Holy Father is not going far enough, and that names such as Tablet, Homophobia and Why-Won't-They-Ordain-Women should also be allowed. In a sense this is a return to the Victorian age, when names such as Chastity, Cleanliness and There-Is-No-Salvation-Outside-The-Methodist-Church were commonly given to babies. However, at present the Catholic Church is trying to avoid out-and-out silliness.

St Fudge, a bishop.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 11

Continued from Chapter 10

1. So Richard entered into the evening of his life, that is, the days of his retirement.

2. And his wife Lalla spake unto him, saying, "Richard, thou hast served thy genes well. Now is the time to take it easy, to sit on the sofa and watch Countdown."

3. "Or we could go down to the Darby and Joan Club and play Bingo; or we could travel afar and see my relatives on Gallifrey, such as the Meddling Monk, Morbius, and the Valeyard."

Uncle Morbius.

4. But Richard said, "Nay, my work is not yet done. For example, I have to minister over my website, dawkins.egotrip.net, that which is banned in Turkey, because it dares to say the unsayable."

5. For Richard had bravely mocked the Prophet Mohammed, hinting that he was not the sort of person who would be welcome on High Table at New College, Oxford. And this did not go down too well with the Turks.

This town ain't big enough for two prophets

6. After this humiliation at the hands of the Turks, Richard was wrathful, saying, "How is it that I, who wrote a thesis about chickens, am not idolized in Turkey?"

7. And the worshippers at the shrine of Dawkins laughed heartily at Richard's brilliant pun, saying "ROFL" and "LOL."

8. Which, being translated, means "O Richard, not only do you have the wisdom of Solomon, but you also have the comic genius of a Groucho Marx."

Richard, from the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

9. Then it came to pass that Richard had an even more strikingly brilliant idea, which would bring him great fame, and lead to increased sales for his books.

10. "I SHALL ARREST THE POPE," he said.

11. "For he is guilty of crimes against humanity, because he refuses to bow his knee at the shrine of Dawkins."

Probably drinking the blood of sweet furry kittens

12. "Indeed, this international gang-leader cometh to Great Britain soon, to meet his criminal associates, 'Vicious' Vince Nichols, Keith 'The Hat' O'Brien, and 'Fingers' Murphy-O'Connor."

13. "I have discovered that they are going to dig up the loot stashed away by John Henry 'Gerontius' Newman."

"Gerontius" Newman, the 19th century gangster

14. "And when the Pope appears, I shall arise and grab his collar, saying 'Ullo, ullo, ullo, what's all this then?' and 'You're nicked, sunshine.' Then I shall say unto him, 'I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station'."

15. "And the Pope will reply unto me saying 'It's a fair cop, guv'nor. I dunnit all right. Pax vobiscum.'"

Richard Dawkins prepares to arrest the Pope

16. But in fact things did not quite work out according to plan.

Continued in Chapter 12.