How to be in good stand-in

Farver Arfur is at a loose end right now, as he tells us dat Chritsmas dont begin until de evenin service tonihgt, and so we is still in Addvent. Dis means dat we is forbidden to show good will to poeple, and has gotta carry on insulltin dem.



De pitcher above shows a letter dat Arfur carries ruond wiv him at all times, singed by his bishopp, to say dat he is in good stand-in. De main points is as follows.

* Owin to a misunderstandin, he have been ordianed priest and we aint yet mannaged to get dis fixed.

* He aint got a crinimal record under de name he uses, aldough of course he may have some Anonnymous sockpoppet names as well dat we aint heard about.

* He is great with chilldren, it's only adullts he can't stand.



Dat's a pitcher of Farver Arfur showin dat he is good wiv kids.

* He aint interessted in sex, drink, drugs, smokin, tellevisoin, fatty foods, books, mussic or anyfink else dat mihgt give pleasure.

* He aint a ravin loony, or at least not bad enuogh to stop him bein a cosstume holly man.

Singed by his bishopp, wot is a reel bishopp cos he have got a Babble-onion fish hat.



Dat's a new pitcher of Arfur's bishopp, wot holds him in high regardds and invites him reggular to tea parties.

Arfur is still a bit impattient, as he says dat de Pop hasnt yet repplied to his reqquest for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, tormentin poeple. Still it made choosin him a Christmas pressent very easy for us, as he can wear dis on all occassions.



I concludes wiv Chritsmas greetings from all 4 people wot is currently crammed into Bosco Towers (I hopes dat Anti Moly and Arfur are only temporarry geusts).

Bosco: Unless you knows Jessus pussonally like I does, you aint got a hope of bein saved, and is goin into de Lake of Fire. I hopes dat knowin dis dont spiol your Chritsmas.

Anti Moly: I dont believe in god or gods, but dey says dat Chritsmas is a time for finkin of absent freinds. So if Rolf Harrass or Goerge Pell wants to come ruond, we got lots of bottles of Chritsmas spirrit left.

Arfur: Eccles, at 1 p.m. on December 24th you said to me "Merry Chritsmas." Dis is a blashpemy as it is in fact still Addvent. Anyways, dere aint nuffink to be merry about. De Catacoms of the Churhc dont mentoin bein merry, does dey?

Eccles (me): Um, Happy Chritsmas to all loyyal readers. By readin dis blogg, you is sure on de road to bein saved.

Bosco wants to sell his suol

My bruvver Bosco is allways short of monney, as he aint never been able to hold down a proper job. De last one dat he had was some contract work for Richard Dakwins, he was bein employed to sneak into Cathlic churhces and spray rude slogans on de walls, like "All preists is pevrets" and "Git lost Mary," also he was paintin false mousetaches on de statues of Jessus dat Cathlics like kissin. Dis is called thoelogical dialogg.

While he was doin dis usefull work, Bosco met a stranger who said "Ullo, bruvver, my name is Mepphisto, and I finks I mihgt have an offer dat wuold interrest you. I sees from your work dat you got all de rihgt quallificatoins."

You may say dat dis Mepphisto is a funny-lookin chap, but when you comppares him wiv my Anti Moly you sees dat he's quite handdsome reely.



Bosco he came back very excitted, and said, "Dis Mepphisto guy he is a saved pusson, as he says dat he knows both Jessus and Sattan, dat means he's got freinds in both Heaven and Hell. We's reely gonna cleen up here, Eccles."

Mepphisto sure was offerin a very good deal, as all Bosco gotta do is to promisse him his suol when he dies, and before dat Bosco can have riches, girls, and as many cemment doves as he wants.

Bosco aint had much luck with girls lately, here he is tryin to chat up a girl in de Calumny Chappel, she dont seem to be very impressed by his eloqquence.



De odd fing about de conttract is dat it gotta be singed in Bosco's own blood. We is gonna consult our laywers, Cuttley, Buttley and Muttley, to see whevver dis is a standard leggal proceddure.

I was askin Bosco about dis iddea of sellin your suol to de Devill, cos we can't see any catch in it. Bosco keeps tellin me dat he knows Jessus, He came into Bosco's life when he was on a bus, and said "Ullo, where is you goin, young man?" Dis changed Bosco's life for good, he knew dat he was a saved pusson, and he got off de bus and went off to buy a clown cosstume. Jessus shouted after him "Oi! You aint paid for your tickett," which is a message we is still tryin to unnderstand.

So since Bosco is saved, he says dere aint no harm in gettin a good price for his suol since he aint gonna need it much. By de same token, he said I should try and sell my brane as I aint usin it, I dont fink dats a nice fing for a big bruvver to say, Bosco.

Meanwhile, Bosco is havin truoble understandin Cathlic festivvals. Farver Arfur explaned dat we is now in Advent, which is de seasson when we preppares for de birth of Christ by kissin lotsa statues of Mary. Also we reconciles ourselfs wiv our ennemies (for example, by sendin dem piosoned boxes of chocollates).

Bosco and me is finkin of sendin out Chrisstmas cards to all our friends, but it aint easy to find a good dessign, as some of dem has got Mary and Josseph on so dey is gravven images and makes Bosco lose controll. Still, we got two cards dat we quite likes, and here dey is.



Dat's a Calumny Chappel approved Labm (becuase Bosco and me, we follows de Labm).



Dat's baby Jessus on a donkkey. He has told Mary to git lost cos she is a sinner and aint saved. Bosco explaned dis to me.