Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Pop Bozodict

We had a good Chritsmas dinner, wiv a luvvly puddin, on which Anti Moly puored a whole bottle of branddy. She was verry cross dat it cuaght fire, but she soon put out de flames and we drank de rest of de puddin.

Anti's puddin

After dat we was all gettin a bit merry, and Bosco said dat he had finally ran out of pattience wiv de Pop, who is refussing to ressign in favour of a saved pusson. So he said we was gonna ellect a new Pop. De ellectoin was conductted by de very merry college of Cradinals (Bosco, Eccles, Anti Moly and Farver Arfur), and de votes was 2 for Bosco, 1 for Anti Moly, and 1 for Farver Arfur. I voted for Bosco and I fink de uvvers all voted for demselves.

At dis point Anti Moly said "Stuff dis for a lark, let de clown be Pop, I is goin for anuvver drink," and dat gave my bruvver de majoritty he needed. I fink dat's what happened in de Vattican, last time, as well - Cradinal Pell said "Strewth, I needs a tinnie of Chatteau Wallaby Clarret now. Let Cradinal Ratzigner have de jobb. Anyways, I gotta get away quick, cos I is bein stalked by an old lady from Adellaide. She's out dere in St Peter's Sqaure now, shoutin 'Coo-eee, Goerge!'"

White smok

At dat momment we relleased de white smok which proves dat we has got a new Pop. In fact it was Anti Moly's lapptop wot cuaght fire, I fink she spilt some branddy on it.

Bosco and me is currantly postin under alliases on Damain Thopmson's blogg. He is now Pop Bozodict, of course. I is callin myself "incongito" - dis is to confuse Farver Arfur, wot reports all my words of priase to de muddlerators. He cant stand de idea dat I is saved and he aint, cos he is a cosstume holly man. (But I finks he wont be in good stand-in much longer if de Pop in Rom reads dis blogg and finds out dat Arfur voted for an Anti-pop.)

Pop Bozodict

Dat's Bosco in his brand new Pop vestmeants, I dont know what dere names is, fings like cossacks, chazebels and stoles, I fink dey is called. Don't he look handssome?

My bruvver Pop Bozodict has learnt dat Pops like writin fings called Pappal Bulls, dey doesnt use paper like de rest of us. I aint seen one of dem pappal bulls yet, but we did find a pitcher of an old Pop called Herbert goin to de bank to cash a check, so dat proves dat it must happen.

Pappal Bull

Farver Arfur says dat after Vattican II de Pops aint allowed to use bulls any more, but we is still checkin dis.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

How to be in good stand-in

Farver Arfur is at a loose end right now, as he tells us dat Chritsmas dont begin until de evenin service tonihgt, and so we is still in Addvent. Dis means dat we is forbidden to show good will to poeple, and has gotta carry on insulltin dem.

Arfur's letter

De pitcher above shows a letter dat Arfur carries ruond wiv him at all times, singed by his bishopp, to say dat he is in good stand-in. De main points is as follows.

* Owin to a misunderstandin, he have been ordianed priest and we aint yet mannaged to get dis fixed.

* He aint got a crinimal record under de name he uses, aldough of course he may have some Anonnymous sockpoppet names as well dat we aint heard about.

* He is great with chilldren, it's only adullts he can't stand.

Arfur wiv baby

Dat's a pitcher of Farver Arfur showin dat he is good wiv kids.

* He aint interessted in sex, drink, drugs, smokin, tellevisoin, fatty foods, books, mussic or anyfink else dat mihgt give pleasure.

* He aint a ravin loony, or at least not bad enuogh to stop him bein a cosstume holly man.

Singed by his bishopp, wot is a reel bishopp cos he have got a Babble-onion fish hat.

Arfur's bishopp

Dat's a new pitcher of Arfur's bishopp, wot holds him in high regardds and invites him reggular to tea parties.

Arfur is still a bit impattient, as he says dat de Pop hasnt yet repplied to his reqquest for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, tormentin poeple. Still it made choosin him a Christmas pressent very easy for us, as he can wear dis on all occassions.

Pressent for Arfur

I concludes wiv Chritsmas greetings from all 4 people wot is currently crammed into Bosco Towers (I hopes dat Anti Moly and Arfur are only temporarry geusts).

Bosco: Unless you knows Jessus pussonally like I does, you aint got a hope of bein saved, and is goin into de Lake of Fire. I hopes dat knowin dis dont spiol your Chritsmas.

Anti Moly: I dont believe in god or gods, but dey says dat Chritsmas is a time for finkin of absent freinds. So if Rolf Harrass or Goerge Pell wants to come ruond, we got lots of bottles of Chritsmas spirrit left.

Arfur: Eccles, at 1 p.m. on December 24th you said to me "Merry Chritsmas." Dis is a blashpemy as it is in fact still Addvent. Anyways, dere aint nuffink to be merry about. De Catacoms of the Churhc dont mentoin bein merry, does dey?

Eccles (me): Um, Happy Chritsmas to all loyyal readers. By readin dis blogg, you is sure on de road to bein saved.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Gifts for Chritsmas

DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL iDOLL (IN ASSOCIATOIN WIV APLE)

De ideal pressent for de little kid what wants to be saved.

I-Doll

Dis little fellow is an electronnic marvel dat can speak a lot of usefull phrases, such as:

* Kiss me, I'm an iDoll.

* Granny aint saved, tee hee hee.

* Bosco done a poo on de blogg, Mummy.

* Mummy, can I throw stones at de cosstume holly man?

* Give us de gin.***

*** Dis phrase was sugested by my Anti Moly, who said it was one of her favorite phrases when she was a little gril.

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A PRESENT FOR DE GROWN-UPS - DE ELLECTRONIC CEMENT DOVE

Cement Dove

Dis dove is reely a pussonal organizer and aid to Salivation.

It has a built-in recording devvice, so dat preists in good stand-in like Farver Arfur can record confessoins to make sure dey dont miss anyfink, and den play dem back at parties.

It has a built-in alarm functoin, so dat it can wake you up in de mornin wiv your chioce from some jolly phrasses, such as:

* Wake up, lazzy bons. You aint gonna be saved.

* Ullo, I fink Jessus is standin at de door knockin.

* Annuver day dawns, and dere is more poeple waitin to be insullted.

* Only woeful, traddy, fanattical Cathlic sockpoppets stay in bed late.

* Ullo, dis is Sister Whippie here, wuold you like one of my luvvly pennance puddings?

* At 4 a.m. dis mornin you said "Zzzz..." Accordin to de Catacoms of de Churhc dat is a sin, cos you is a foolish verger what went to sleep.

* Its 5 a.m. Anti, time to put de computter away and go to bed.

As you can see we has been recievin suggestoins from a varietty of suorces.



Heaven and Hell

At Chritsmas we plays de Calumny Chappel versoin of snakes and ladders, where you has to try and stay on de angles, and not go on de demmons.

Heaven Hell game

Bosco aint very good at dis, and he allways ends up in Hell.