Salvation is now a Human Right

Following a landmark decision by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, all religions based in Europe (including the Catholics and the Anglicans) are now obliged to offer salvation as a human right.

Heaven - get a good lawyer, and it can be yours!

This verdict has naturally caused a lot of trouble in religious circles. A joint statement from the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury (supported by the Archpastor of the Baptists and others) said "There est no bonum in nos telling fideles that possunt condemned ad damnation eternam for peccata if tunc lawyers solvunt them." (With hindsight, it was unwise for them to write alternate words, but it was a compromise.)

The European Court of Human Rights - the architect was inspired by Hieronymus Bosch's paintings of Hell.

In compliance with the ECHR decision, various bits of the Bible will need to be rewritten, or at least supplied with clarifying footnotes to say that they are not to be taken seriously. The ruling has been greeted with enthusiasm by the dissident Catholic group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion), which has long maintained that references to "wailing and gnashing of teeth" were inserted in the Bible by the Vatican as a means of repression. From now on, wailing and gnashing of teeth will be restricted to those Masses where liturgical dancing, puppets, or Paul Inwood hymns are on offer.

Gnashing of teeth - but is it a possible risk to Health and Safety?

Church of England to be privatised

The prestigious Head Office.

Having discovered that it cannot control the Church of England without provoking a constitutional crisis, the Government has decided to privatise it as a public limited company, to be called the English God Corporation (EGCO). This will be regulated by a new quango, OFGOD (likely to be chaired by Sir Tony Baldry).

Sir Tony Baldry - his cunning plan is that EGCO will be bound by the high standards of the Freemasons and the Garrick Club.

The proposed line-up, at least initially, is:

Chairman: H.M. Queen Elizabeth II.

Managing Director: Sir Justin Welby.

Board of Directors: +Bognor Regis, +Newport Pagnell, and various other diocesan representatives beginning with a plus sign. As an Equal Opportunities Employer, EGCO will ensure that many of these are female.

Honorary consultant (non-voting member): The Holy Spirit.

Assets: A huge number of old buildings, some with pointy spires and others with big towers. Currently, mostly unoccupied. Also, large supplies of candles, hymn books, and vestments (in fact, something of a surplice).

Activities: praying, hymn singing, blowing own trumpet (cf. Giles Fraser). Also, extensive charity work, but this will mostly be done away with for financial reasons.

At present, only men are allowed to operate this heavy "smiting" machinery.

EGCO is to be floated on the stock market in the near future, and shareholders will be guaranteed the following benefits:

• Free use of the services provided by EGCO, with coffee and a chocolate biscuit afterwards.
• Voting rights at the Annual General Meeting (formerly, the "Synod").
• An excellent post-life benefits package, at least compared with those who have not taken out any other form of post-life insurance.
  WARNING: souls may go down as well as up.

This picture is merely illustrative, and shareholders may be sent to alternative destinations.

If the flotation is a success, the Government is already speaking of other privatisations. However there is little to be done about the multi-national Catholico, which is registered in the tax haven of Vatican City. Another difficult task will be to try and regulate the ISLAM business.

ISLAM - unlikely to be impressed by Sir Tony Baldry.

Near-death experiences

In view of a near-death experience claimed by Dr Eben Alexander, which is the basis of his new book Proof of Heaven, we asked some of the regular characters appearing on this blog to describe their own near-death experiences.

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Bosco, worshipper at the Calvary Chapel, and saved person.

Hello, could I speak to Jesus, please?

Eccles, you poor sick monkey, I had a rotten experience when I tried to save a convent of nuns, and I was badly beaten up by them. As I lay in hospital, near to death, I found that I was standing outside the Gates of Heaven, explaining to St Peter that all Catholics were idolaters, and should be sent to the Lake of Fire. "I am saved, even more than you are," I told him. "I've come for my throne and my golden crown."

St Peter is shocked by Bosco's blog.

"Ah, Bosco," said St Peter. "I've been reading your blog, and we've got a totally different fate for you..."

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Damian Thompson, formerly a religious journalist.

Damian is the one alone at the front, whom nobody else will talk to.

The first thing that struck me about St Peter, when I saw him, was that he was putting on weight. In fact, the whole tone of Heaven was very disappointing, and I was totally unimpressed with the angels, who were definitely smirking at me. The music was not Gladys Mills plays Beethoven, as I had been led to expect, nor even something by my friend James MacMillan, but a dirge that sounded like an eternal repetition of "Alleluia Ch-ch."

Angels - what dreadful hair styles they have.

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Moly, aunt of Eccles and Bosco.

A recent photo of Moly.

Well I don't believe in God or Heaven, but I did have a very strange dream last night when I finally dropped off. I was in Paradise, wearing my new Moly Number 5 cigarette- and gin-scented perfume. But I was surrounded by possums, all jumping up and down, and there wasn't a bottle of gin to be had anywhere. "It's endless torment for you," said a loud voice to me, probably one of those bullying traddy Catholics. Woeful.

Vicious possums. They're out to get me. I know it.

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Father Arthur, of the Church of St Daryl the Apostate.

I'm a priest in good standing, you know.

Well, I wasn't going to stand any calumny from the man waiting for me at the Gates of Heaven, so I got my attack in first. "May I remind you, 'Saint' Peter, that as recorded in the 26th chapter of the book of St Matthew, and elsewhere, you denied Christ on no less than three occasions? Does that give you the right to comment on the behaviour of other people? I am a priest in good standing, with no time for your traditionalist ways. Haven't you people heard of Vatican II? Now clear off, and let me do your job properly for you."

The Last Judgement. But Fr Arthur will willingly give you a preliminary verdict.

Gifts for Chritsmas

DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL iDOLL (IN ASSOCIATOIN WIV APLE)

De ideal pressent for de little kid what wants to be saved.



Dis little fellow is an electronnic marvel dat can speak a lot of usefull phrases, such as:

* Kiss me, I'm an iDoll.

* Granny aint saved, tee hee hee.

* Bosco done a poo on de blogg, Mummy.

* Mummy, can I throw stones at de cosstume holly man?

* Give us de gin.***

*** Dis phrase was sugested by my Anti Moly, who said it was one of her favorite phrases when she was a little gril.

Powered by Solar Scriptura cells.

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A PRESENT FOR DE GROWN-UPS - DE ELLECTRONIC CEMENT DOVE



Dis dove is reely a pussonal organizer and aid to Salivation.

It has a built-in recording devvice, so dat preists in good stand-in like Farver Arfur can record confessoins to make sure dey dont miss anyfink, and den play dem back at parties.

It has a built-in alarm functoin, so dat it can wake you up in de mornin wiv your chioce from some jolly phrasses, such as:

* Wake up, lazzy bons. You aint gonna be saved.

* Ullo, I fink Jessus is standin at de door knockin.

* Annuver day dawns, and dere is more poeple waitin to be insullted.

* Only woeful, traddy, fanattical Cathlic sockpoppets stay in bed late.

* Ullo, dis is Sister Whippie here, wuold you like one of my luvvly pennance puddings?

* At 4 a.m. dis mornin you said "Zzzz..." Accordin to de Catacoms of de Churhc dat is a sin, cos you is a foolish verger what went to sleep.

* Its 5 a.m. Anti, time to put de computter away and go to bed.

As you can see we has been recievin suggestoins from a varietty of suorces.

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At Chritsmas we plays de Calumny Chappel versoin of snakes and ladders, where you has to try and stay on de angles, and not go on de demmons.



Bosco aint very good at dis, and he allways ends up in Hell.