The Portsmouth liturgy survey

Paul Inwood explains the thinking behind his work.

We in the People's Republic of Portsmouth are very angry about the new translation of the liturgy, which goes right against the dumbing-down tradition we have followed all our lives. Indeed, the new version attempts to get closer to that heretical Latin missal which has blighted the Church for so many years.

A humble pie chart. The ICEL told me to eat it.

For the full document, you will need to go to this source, but here are some of the more striking results.

Q1. What do you think of the new translation of the Mass?

(a) Even better than the Sermon on the Mount (2%);
(b) OK (88%);
(c) They should have got Paul Inwood to do it (10%).

As you can see, 98% of the people who responded are totally dissatisfied.

Personally, I think some of the words are too difficult.

Q2. How much training were you given in its use?

(a) None at all - I'm quite capable of reading the new words off a piece of paper (30%);
(b) Some practice before the service (67%);
(c) A three-week intensive "boot camp" where I was fully indoctrinated. (3%).

As you can see, 97% of worshippers feel that they were not adequately prepared.

A boot camp; here, worshippers are learning the correct posture for prayer.

Q3. Traditional Catholic worship dates from the 1960s. Which of the following composers do you think best represents the 1960s?

(a) Bach (2%);
(b) Beethoven (2%);
(c) Paul Inwood (96%).

As you can see, a staggering 96% of people replying believe that Paul Inwood is the greatest composer who ever lived.

Bach - 98% of people think he has a silly hairstyle.

In addition, we asked people completing the survey to write down as many abusive epithets for the new translation as they could. Comments included:

* Blasphemous;
* Foul-mouthed language - too vile even for the BBC;
* Roche? Isn't that the French for "rock?" I suspect that the Pope's behind all this;
* My granny came out in spots the week after using it; that can't be a coincidence;
* Encourages paedophilia;
* Totally ignores the theological advances made by Richard Dawkins;
* I had to shoot my parrot when it started saying "consubstantial";
* Worse than anything Hitler ever did;
* Look, I'm a professional builder and any roof I make is fit for a King to enter under;
* Treats God like some sort of divine being rather than our best mate;
* I would have used "will" rather than "shall" at this point; clearly Arthur Roche is an illiterate savage;
* Has severely affected the sales of my music. Oops!

Arthur Roche - taking us back to Roman times.

Sorry, ICEL, you got it wrong. We in Portsmouth will continue to sing Paul Inwood's immortal anthem "Ying-tong ying-tong, ying-tong ying-tong, ying-tong iddle I po" and don't you try and stop us!

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If you disliked this article, you will certainly not want to read these:

An audience with Paul Inwood    and    Bad hymns 9 (Alleluia Ch-Ch).

Tabloid survey on the new Mass translation

Not to be taken more than once a year.

Hello there, we at the Tabloid are conducting a totally impartial survey on the new translation of the liturgy (or "New Mass" as we call it). Please choose an option from each of the following.

1. The liturgy reached perfection in...
(a) 1973, when we finally got rid of Latin forever;
(b) 2011, when we introduced a rubbish translation with 
hard words in it;
(c) it will never reach perfection until Paul Inwood is 
given a free hand.

2. Which of the following do you prefer...
(a) "And also with you," friendly and polite;
(b) "And with your spirit," because I'm a pompous old fogey;
(c) "Yeah, right, mate, whatever."

3. When you say "...through my fault, through my fault, 
through my most grievous fault" do you...
(a) strike your breast, like a foolish old traddy;
(b) grin, knowing that the words are not to be taken literally;
(c) our priest skips this bit and we do a liturgical dance instead.

It was YOUR most grievous fault. Got that?

4. How well does the priest manage to say the new 
Eucharistic Prayers... 
(a) he gets them wrong, and corrects himself;
(b) he uses the old prayers because he is imbued with 
the spirit of Vatican II;
(c) he uses his own words ("mug" instead of "chalice" and 
"OK, there's coffee next door" instead of "Go forth, the 
Mass is ended."

Just as good as a "chalice."

5. How often do you see people around you in the pews still 
struggling to follow the new text? 
(a) always, with cries of "Help! What does 'consubstantial' 
mean, again?"
(b) never, because they still say the old one;
(c) er, we've not had anyone attending Mass since the 1970s. 

6. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof?
(a) Oh yes I am;
(b) Oh no I'm not;
(c) What does this question mean, anyway?

7. Latin is the work of...
(a) the Devil;
(b) the Pope, whom we must resist at all costs;
(c) Julius Caesar, but what's he got to do with the Mass?

It's all his fault.

8.Are you reading the Tabloid because you are...
(a) an escaped lunatic;
(b) a layman in good standing;
(c) a miserable deacon who likes insulting people;
(d) a go-ahead liberal priest;
(e) a bishop/archbishop/cardinal;
(f) the Pope, Hans Küng, or someone of equal status?