Dawkins founds a monastery

Ever-anxious to show that he can do all the things Christians do - only better - Professor Richard Dawkins announced today the foundation of the Monastery of the Selfish Gene, of which he would be the first Abbot.

Father Richard and, er, Brother Richard in the monastery.

The press agent for the M.S.G. has put together a list of Frequently Asked Questions for those interested in becoming atheist monks.

Q: Do I have to take vows of poverty, chastity or obedience?

A: No, nothing like that. If you want to write best-selling books or go round the world on well-paid lecture tours, that's just fine (but give some of the proceeds to Fr Richard!) Chastity is also a no-no. Let those selfish genes of yours travel! But we do demand obedience, and indeed outright sycophancy, to Fr Richard.

We've already expelled one monk for reading this behind the bike-sheds.

Q: What do you do all day long?

A: There are regular services of worship:

Leuds, where we make smutty jokes about God; 
Matings, where we share our genes with the Little Sisters of 
St Polly next door;
Meme, where we use Richard's Holy Word "Meme" in as many 
inappropriate contexts as possible;
Sex;
Nones, Terce, Vespers... haven't got these worked out yet but 
probably they'll involve singing praises to Fr Richard;
Complain, where we grumble about God.

Apart from that we have lectures on theology from Fr Richard, who has been urgently googling Aquastine and Aguinas (I hope we've got those names right!) as well as St Paul's Letter to the Delusions.

Q: Do you run hospitals and schools, or do other works of charity?

A: No... there's a limit to how much we can imitate those Christians you know! Still, some people have said that we should turn ourselves into a hospital for the incurably insane. We may yet do this!

Sister Lalla demonstrates the traditional art of carpet-biting.

Q: How about a vow of silence?

A: Ha ha ha! No, Richard is dead against that one. But you'd be surprised how many people have suggested it to him.

Vincent Nichols bashes the blogs

Archbishop Vincent Nicholas has delivered a homily in which he sends a hard-hitting message to the Catholic blogosphere: Stop complaining!

Ouch! This mitre's too tight, and my feet are killing me. Mustn't grumble, though.

Archbishop Nichols has picked up Pope Francis's comments that one should not gossip about one's neighbours, nor complain about one's own personal circumstances. Now he has run with them in a totally different direction.

You've been blogging again, haven't you? And not just about custard.

Certainly, as ++Vin knows very well, Catholic bloggers should not comment when they see wrong-doing in the church. In the immortal words of Our Lord: "Doth not the holy man, when he seeth evil, take a brush, and sweep it under the carpet?" Non-Revelations, Chapter 16.

Westminster Cathedral obtains a carpet to sweep things under.

Of course, the Catholic church in England is in a state of perfection at present. There are no liturgical abuses, no masses designed to promote homosexual acts, no heretical professors giving "Catholic" lectures, no "Catholic" newspapers publishing attacks on orthodox teaching, and no complaints about the governance of Catholic schools. All the bishops are highly-revered persons, who have a track record of promoting church teaching without perverting it in any way. Oh I'm so happy.

Dear Cormac! If I can't rely on the CBCEW's loyalty, on whom can I rely?

So we bloggers need to pull our socks up, and stop complaining. Just as the BBC, our national news broadcaster, is pulling its socks up and refusing to mention the mass murders with which Pennsylvania's answer to Dr Harold Shipman - Dr. Kermit Gosnell - is being charged. No, that would be mere gossip, and the news must never get out.

I'm warning you... if any of this appears in a blog...