Dr Bosco solves your problems

My bruvver Bosco has started giving out meddical advice.

Q: Dear Bosco, I am suffering from a sneezing fit. Can you help me?

A: Yes, of course sister Jessica. As well as being the only saved person round here, and known for giving helpful advice to Jesus, I am of course a skilled plumber and concert-standard nose-flautist. What is less well known is that I took a one-day course in medicine, which means that I know more about curing colds, flu, and allergies than any quack Brit MD who deserves to be thrown in the trash.

Bosco performs Mozart's 3rd Nose-flute Concerto K.999 with the Los Angeles Philharmonic.

Q: So what do you recommend, Bosco, dear?

A: I've found that Jack Chick's vitriolic nasal spray will remove your nose problems in no time. Don't bother with antibiotics, antihistamines, or Anti Moly's gin - just order your concentrated H₂SO₄ over the Internet. Or of course Chuck Smith's hydrofluoric acid nasal spray is even more potent...

Q: Thank you so much, Bosco, darling, but...

A: ... but of course it doesn't work unless you are a truly saved person who hates Catholics and is waiting for the Rapture. Next patient, please!

Saved persons sitting on a cloud at St Pancras station.

Bosco's new blogg

I was explanin dat Bosco had got a new much larger nose, owin to de intervvention of St Peter, and dat dis was a mark of favour from de Lord, meaning dat Bosco is even more saved dan he was before.

One of de friuts of de Spirit was dat we got an e-mail from Damain Thopmson, de editor of de Telegrahp bloggs. Damain met us a few months ago when he was in Callifornia. He was sayin dat dere werent so many religgious bloggs as dere used to be (George Pitcher too worried about his bruvver, Geralld Warner sacked, Cristina Oddone gettin a bit crazy, etc. etc.) Damain himself is only writin bloggs about Joanne Hairy and Rebecka Brooks, so what de Telegrahp needs is an incissive commontater on religious topics.

I cuold do it myself, but Bosco is de master of Engglish prose, de langauge of Shakespare and Jeffrey Archer. Damain said, "Well, before we gives you a contract to write a Telegrahp blogg, could you suggest 10 topics dat you mihgt write about?"

Here is Bosco's list.
1. Cathlics aint saved.
2. Cathlics is idolaters wot kiss statues.
3. Don't be a Cathlic, dey is bad.
4. If you is Cathlic you gotta keep bits of corpses in de fridge.
5. Bosco is saved, Eccles is saved, but de Pop aint saved.
6. Dem Cathlics wont stop worshippin gravven images.
7. Its better to be an athiest dan a Cathlic, you never see dem bowin to images.
8. Look I told you folks, you is gonna go to Hell if you are Cathlic.
9. Didnt de Pop burn 10,000 peeple last week for owning a Bibble?
10. Cathlics! Aintcha sickofem?

Damain was a bit stuned and he said he'd let Bosco know, perhaps it mihgt be better to ask de fammous lawyer chap who keeps writin bloggs complanin about his kids wot cant sing.

Bosco finks I should mention a pssalm from de Book of Chuck, what we recites in our Calumny Chappel worhsip:

Roses is red,
Voilets is blue.
I been saved,
How about you?

Bosco my dere, de Calumny Chappel is alreddy venerratin you wiv your long nose. Look what we got here.

De writin on de wall for Bosco

Well we'd better resumme de story of de mysteriuos writin on de wall. Someone wrote "Bosco, you aint saved" on de dinin room wall. Was it Jessus? Was it Anti Moly? Was it Fr Xavier Pell de Mons of de Cathlic church? Could it have been little bruvver Eccles (dat wuold be a clevver plot twist)?

Well, I started looking for finger prints, blood stanes, and scraps of tobbaco ash, like Sheerlock Homes wuold do. First I fuond Anti Moly sleepin sweetly under de tabble wiv 18 gin bottles. Next, I went to de tiolet, and on de wall I saw lots of interrestin grafitti wiv messages like "Cathlics is all dirty fagots and preverts", but I knew what dat was, it was just de first draft of Bosco's luvvly Christain blogg.

De briliant dettective Eccles was not to be thwatted, and in de end I worked out who it was by a deviuos strattegem, viz sayin out loud "Who dun that, eh?" One of de geusts turned out to be an imposter, he werent from de Lake Hellsinus Calumny Chappel at all, but from our grate rivvals de Lake Hellsapoppin Calvados Chapule. Dis is a scissmattic branch, wot have pervertted de teechins of our grate founder, St Chuck (whose statue we kisses each Sunday). De absurd herresies dey believe includes:

1. You gotta dress up as vampirres, not as clowns, to worsship de Lord.
2. Cathlicks is all dammed, but dey aint as bad as Musslims.
3. When convertin herretics who aint saved, dont use an axe but use a blunt instrumeant.
4. Worshippin iddles is bad, but Sabbaf-brakin is even worse, although you is allowed to do it on a Tuesday.

Dis is Pastor Lugosi of de herretical Calvados Chapule givvin de kiss of peace to a worhsipper. You can tell dey aint saved.



Dis is de way WE in de Calumny Chappel, de really saved ones, does de kiss of peace.



We is plannin a briliant coupp against dem Calvados herretics, just as soon as Bosco's concusion is better. De doctor said dat Bosco should take some tabblets, but I aint sure dat we gave him de the rihgt ones, he gone into de gardden wiv dem and is keeping de neihgbors awake wiv his shoutin.