An audience with Paul Inwood

Having read the startling comment from Paul Inwood, the Prostecnic Vogon Jeltz of Catholic worship, claiming that Pope Benedict - a mere novice in these matters - had made an incorrect statement about liturgy, I hurried down to Portsmouth for an audience with the great man.

Pope Paul VII.

The palace of Pope Paul VII is truly magnificent, as one would expect from a man of his distinction and importance (he told me). I entered and knelt before "the man who put the 'litter' in 'liturgy.'" Paul was sitting on a golden throne, and he graciously allowed me to kiss his ring. In one corner of the room, there stood a choir of mystic monks, intoning a solemn and dignified Gregorian chant. This surprised me, as I had been expecting a choir to be singing "Alleluia Ch-Ch" in one-part harmony, but it was later explained to me by an aide that "round here, Inwoodian chant is business, Gregorian is pleasure."

Hell - one place where you are sure to hear Paul Inwood's music.

So I asked the man they call the Head of the Caterwaul Church about his relations with his great rival in Rome. "Benedict is fundamentally a good man," he said, "although of course he is not an educated man like what I is, and he does not have access to an army of advisers as I do. No wonder he made the blunder of denying that Pope Paul VI had abrogated the EF Mass. Benedict evidently hadn't read the Encyclical De Musica Vulgarissima in which it was specifically asked that all content be removed from the liturgy, and that henceforth we should sing jolly songs involving finger-snaps and animal noises."

A modern congregation appreciates the music of Paul Inwood.

Knowing that Paul Inwood's pronouncements are generally believed to be infallible, I decided that here was a case of Pompeius locutus est, causa finita est.

"So how are you getting on with the new Bishop of Portsmouth, Philip Egan?" I asked. "I hear that he's something of a traditionalist."

"We get on very well," said his Howler-ness. "He is very concerned that I may be tired through overwork. The Bishop sends me all sorts of interesting literature about retirement schemes, and he suggests that a holiday home in Beirut would suit me down to the ground. It's good to be appreciated."

Before I left the holy presence, I persuaded Pope Paul VII to give me his blessing. "Bless you, bless you, bless you, Ch-Ch-Ch! Snap-Snap! Here a Moo, there a Moo, everywhere a Moo-Moo," he sang, making me feel at one with the beasts of the field with these simple but well-chosen words. Yes, I had been in the presence of a great man, or at least, "a man who grates."

Where ever you go, the music of Paul Inwood is to be heard

The worst Church buzzwords

In response to Fr Lucie-Smith's Catholic Herald article listing ten words and phrases that should be banned from religious life (e.g. "elephant in the room," "outreach" and "guideline"), we have asked a more liberal "Doctor of Immoral Theology" to provide a list of buzzwords that annoy him.

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A traddy priest aggressively wearing a biretta

biretta: in the modern church there is no place for old-fashioned vestments (terms like "chasuble" and "maniple" are equally verboten). It is best if a priest shows that he is no different from other people, so saying Mass in jeans and tee-shirt is recommended. Perhaps a discreet clip-on dog-collar if you want to show you're "staff."

hermeneutic: anyone using this obscure piece of jargon (and that includes Popes who should know better!) marks himself out as someone who is not fully committed to the ideals of Vatican II. If the church is to proceed to ordain women as priests, to endorse abortion and euthanasia, and to allow gays to marry in church - all explicitly recommended by Vatican II - then we need to crush rebels who stand in our way.

kneeling: a most unhealthy custom, leading to arthritis and lumbago. Churches should withdraw all kneeling facilities, and allow the customers to sit down throughout the Mass (perhaps standing for hymns, to allow self-expression by waving arms and doing the occasional jig).

The Last Supper. Only one traddy apostle is kneeling!

Latin: Do we need to say more? The language of Satan. Banned by Vatican II. Who wants to hear a Mass in which abominations such as de gustibus non est disputandum or caveat emptor can be found? Or even veni, vidi, vici?

novena: not a decent English word, is it? All to do with praying on nine consecutive days - if that's not a sign of obsessiveness, we don't know what is!

Gregorian chant: Largely done away with, and replaced by the pioneering work of the blessed Paul Inwood, but it still survives in some pockets of resistance. Ugh. Moreover, Graham Kendrick tells us that he feels insulted that people are attempting to introduce Fulge, Jesu, Fulge as a Gregorian chant.

Pope Gregory I - you can see that he's up to no good

consubstantial: A word re-introduced into the new English translation of the liturgy. Not a word you'll hear in the street! "I hear you're feeling a little consubstantial, Mrs Peppermint! Aren't the tablets working?" What nonsense!

fasting: These days we don't fast, or eat fish on Fridays, or regard Lent as a special period of abstinence. It smacks of an eating disorder if you don't tuck into a healthy Jumbo Offalburger on Fridays (unless, of course, you are a vegetarian, in which case we truly respect your sincere beliefs, but do make sure you get enough calories). Lent's a period for stuffing ourselves with Easter eggs - why do you suppose they are in the shops at that time?

Pope: A chauvinist old fogey in Rome too full of his own distasteful ideas. Don't mention him in polite circles! The word "Vatican" is equally taboo, unless followed by "II."

God: Too controversial a figure in the modern Catholic church. If we are to be able to dialogue with atheists and Anglicans, we must not insist on this. If we must refer to a possibly nonexistent supernatural creator, then the term "sky-fairy" is recommended. We don't want Diarmaid McCulloch or Stephen Fry to laugh at us!

Not a necessary part of modern Catholic theology

Bad Hymns 9

Today the Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are honoured to welcome, hot-foot from Portsmouth, the one and only Paul Inwood.

Gregorian Chant bad, Inwoodian Chant good.

E: Great to see you here, Paul. I see that on your website you say of yourself: "He has extensive liturgical knowledge and experience, dynamic musical skills, and a commitment to a wide range of styles in liturgy and liturgical music."

PI: I'm also known for my ease in communicating with people and my wonderful sense of humour, Eccles.

E: Ah yes. So I see from your hymns. Shall we start with this one, Alleluia Cha-cha?

PI: Er, it's "Ch-ch," not "Cha-cha," actually.

Pardon me, boy. Is that the Alleluia choo-choo?

E: I see. Isn't "Ch-ch" rather meaningless? Why not make it "Alleluia Beep-beep," or "Alleluia Oink-oink?"

PI: Well, I was drawing on my extensive liturgical knowledge and experience when I wrote this hymn, Eccles.

E: Of course. Well there aren't many other words in the hymn, although I see that later on it goes "Alleluia, Alleluia-Ha." Your wonderful sense of humour, eh, Paul?

PI: I develop the "Alleluia" theme further in another hymn, Finger-Snap Alleluia."SNAP! Alleluia."

Could this also be a Paul Inwood hymn?

E: Yes, that's wonderful, Paul. I see that "Finger-Snap Alleluia" is a copyrighted hymn.

PI: Yes, anyone snapping their fingers has to pay me royalties.

E: Now the last hymn I wanted to discuss with you has actually got some original words. It's Go and tell the world.

PI: The birds and the mammals are His.
The fish and the reptiles are His.
The millions of insects are His.
The germs and the microbes are His.

E: Well, Paul, your last line seems to suggest that God has a nasty illness, but I dare say there are other interpretations.

PI: Yes. Note that I left out amphibians, though. We in Portsmouth often ask ourselves, "Are newts His? Are frogs His?" So, to play safe, I omitted the amphibians.

And are the axolotls His?

E: Now, here's a spiritually moving couplet:

Our sisters and brothers are His.
Our fathers and mothers are His.

Er, what about other relatives? I have this great-aunt... is she His?

PI: I'm working on some more verses, Eccles. What do you think of this?

Our spots and carbuncles are His.
Our great-aunts and uncles are His.

E: Magnificent, Mr Inwood. You have single-handedly done for liturgy and music what nobody else has ever done.

Paul Inwood, weighing up the relative merits of "Alleluia, Ta-ta" and "Alleluia, Pip-pip."