We interview Cardinal Baloney

Our honoured guest - a man of vision.

Eccles: So, your Eminence, you managed to get to the conclave after all, eh? Would that make you the only Cardinal present who has been officially forbidden from exercising episcopal functions?

Baloney: Yes, I contacted the Guinness Book of Records hoping for the most unsuitable papal elector award, but apparently there was a medieval Cardinal Mandelson of Basingstoke who was even nastier. At least nobody has yet accused me of cannibalism!

E: What do you think history will remember you for? Apart from the brilliant way you covered up the scandals in your diocese?

B: Probably my contribution to our heritage of beautiful cathedrals, Eccles.

Si monumentum requiris, circumspice.

E: Quite so. A totally unattractive waste of money. And the cathedral isn't much better. Now tell us about your reactions to the election of Pope Francis.

B: For me, the most encouraging sign was his humility. He has rejected the papal red shoes, you know.

E: Wasn't that because they couldn't find any to fit him at short notice? Apparently, Pope Francis has the largest feet of any pope since St Telesphorus in the 2nd century A.D.

Owing to a confusion between centimetres and metres, the Pope was supplied with red shoes of the wrong size.

B: No, no, Eccles. Rejecting red shoes is a sign of humility, I pray that he keeps the black ones as a sign for us all.

E: Go on, then.

B: O Lord, bless Thy servant Francis (whom Thou wilt have seen on television this week unless Thou wast watching Cormac Relief instead), and grant that his shoes may never turn red. Amen.

E: Apparently he rejected the traditional Mozzarella as well. Now, do you see any other changes, your Eminence?

B: Well, I personally hope that Pope Francis will take a tough line on sexually-offending priests. I mean, we can't just move them to other parishes, as some now-disgraced bishops did in the 1980s. Well we can, but we can't get away with it so easily.

E: Quite so. Anything else?

B: Some wicked people have been criticising me, you know. It really must stop. I am a man incapable of sin: when I go to Confession and the priest asks me what I've done, I say "Nothing!" Think of me as being on the side of the angels.

Roller-skating angels come to Mass to show support for Cardinal Baloney.

E: Cardinal Baloney, thank you very much.

Anti reads a book

Now dat Bosco has escapped from de Cathlic dugneon, he hates dem unsaved pests more dan evver. Howevver at present he is spendin most of his time goin ruond de huose kissin de stattues and sayin fings like "I has missed you darlin St Peter", so dat it is Anti Moly wot gets in de lyme lihgt todday.

First, I took a photto of de touchin scene where Bosco returned to his luvvin Anti and bowed down before her. He reely worhsips his Anti Moly.



My Anti Moly is a grate admirrer of de Pop's red shoes what he wears, and she says of him, "Dis yuong man he has some traddy ideas about murder (against), theft (against) and baring flase witness (against), but he sure is a leader of fashion." So she have buoght herself lots of red shoes, dey used to call her de Immedla Macros of Pottymouth, when she was in Austriala, cos she got so many of dem. She was grately admired by Cradinal Pel, she says, but Cradinals aint sposed to chase girls, even uggly ones, so dat nuffink came of it. Dat makes her reely sad sometimes.



Anuvver fing dat is excittin her is dat her grate herro, de piuos polite charmin (etc.) St Cuttley have written a book, called "Thopmson Takes Charge", and we fink he is gonna come here to sing coppies in de shopps. Dis Cuttley he is a little old-fahsioned, and de book aint produced wiv modern technogoly, but she is enjoyin it very much and reeds out passages to us at brekfast.



Perhapps I will reed de book myself later, and find out what it is all about. I fink it's set in a shcool wiv some nuaghty boys called Dellingpol and Hanann, dese names seem strangley familliar.

We is goin out tonihgt as a fambly to see a classic play about de ruogh life of a molydbenite minor in de Austrialan outback, strugglin to bring in de preciuos ore.

On de poster it says my Anti Moly is directin it. Dis means dat she screems "Sockpoppet" at de actors when she finds out dey aint reely de poeple dey is dressed up as, she never got de hang of dramma.

Also, if you looks carefully, you can see de word "idiot" on de poster, dat's a special refference to my dere bruvver Bosco, who comes in half way thruogh to say "You aint saved," it's good dat a play has a spiritaul message like dat.