De Moly Cod

My Grate-anti Moly is a keen debater on bloggs, but when she loses de argumment she often shouts out ROFL! I fought at first dat it was just de dreaded Roflitis illness dat she got (when I comes into her room, she is often rollin around on de floor like a large black barrel), but now I realise dat what she means to say is ROLF, it is a coded cry for help to anuvver famuous Austrialan what used to be a boyfreind of hers, when Cradinal Pell ran away to become a cosstume holly man.



Rofl is 81, so he is still a bit yuonger dan Anti Moly, but dey was grate pals about 50 years ago. Howevver, I has to deny de wicked rumuors dat dey had any kids togetther, and dat dere is a grandson livin in Brisbain. When de Queen visitted Austriala a few months ago, dere was a very rude man wot showed his bottom to de Queen (she describbed it as an "Anus Horribilis"), and de specullation was dat he was Anti's granddson. Since she dennies dis strenously, we has to give her de bennyfit of de duobt.

Meanwhile, we is bein kept awake at nihgt by de suonds of "Tie me kagnaroo down, spot," and "Waltzing Mattilde," from someone serenadin outside Anti Moly's window. We aint sure whevver it is Rofl Harris or Cradinal Pell, but anyway Anti frew a bucket of water over him and he went away. As you see from dis pitcher, Cradinal Pell is tryin to introduce tradditoinal Austrialan music to de Pop, so he is also a susspect.



After we heard Anti Moly singin "Tan my hide when I'm dead, Fred" round de house, Bosco and me went to de local leather shop and asked if dey cuold do us a good deal on our Grate Anti. Dey is gonna come back to us wiv an esstimate. Wiv skin like hers dere probabbly aint much to do.

Farver Arfur has sent a letter to de Pop, sayin dat it wuold be good to open a branch of de Inquisitoin in Callifornia, and while he is visitin us he wuold be verry happy to torcher poeple in de name of de Lord (but if de Pop dont mind, he prefers to torcher traddy Cathlics, after readin out to dem a long list of dere sins, especailly all de bad fings dey has said).

Arfur is still hidin in our house, in case Dakwins comes to arrest him, and he has been convertin a spare room into a torcher chabmer. He finks de Pop will be impressed by his enthusiams.

De coral signers

De Calumny Chappel has organized some coral signing, in order to raise money for a good charitty (dis year we is payin for Pastor Macaroni to get a forged passport and flee de cuontry). What we does is knocks on doors at 11 p.m. and says to de poeple wot answers "Give us de money buster or we gonna sign 'Away in a Mangler' very luod and wake up all your kids."



Dat's a typical satisfied cusstomer after Bosco has sung a lollaby fortisimmo frew his letter box.

Sometimes we signs corals what Bosco has adappted for saved poeple to sign, like dis one:

While shehperds watched dere flocks by nihgt,
Dey wasn't saved like us,
Cos everyfink we says is right,
And everyfink we does.

Anti Moly came along too, even dough she aint relligiuos, as de opportunity of screeming "Woeful" into poeple's letterboxes was too good to miss.



We allso got some support from Farver Arfur. He is still in hidin from Richard Dakwins, but one of Dakwins's pals has just died, so perhaps he wont be commin to look for Farver Arfur dis week. Anyways, Farver Arfur felt dat it was safe to come out, providded dat he wore a disgiuse. For a proffesionnal cosstume holly man, it was quite easy to find siutable vestments for de Advent seasson.



Unforttunatly, Farver Arfir interrupted one of our carols, sayin in a stern vioce: "At 11.30 p.m. todday you said 'Hark de Harold Angles sign.' Since it is still 6 days before Chrisstmas, you shuold know dat de Harold Angles didnt say nuffink at dis perriod, but was respecttfully sillent. I advisses you to do de same, if you wisshes to be recognissed as Chritsians. It is a serriuos heressy if you corruppts de meanin of Holly Scriptture and prettends dat dere was angles signin dis early. Indeed, artticle 2733058 of de Catacoms of de Churhc says dat you shuold be burned at de steak for dat."

Luckily, we aint Cathlics, but Farver Arfur is a good man, and if he dont get arrested by Dakwins, he says dat he is gonna apply for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, so dat he can spend de rest of his life bein nassty to people.

Dis is what Cathlics does to people who sings "Hark de Harold Angles" too soon.

Bosco is fuond

Dere is grate cerebration in our household becuase de Prodigious Son, viz my dere bruvver Bosco, have been returned to us. He is in a somewhat dazed state, babblin incoherrently, but dat is perfickly normal for him, so we aint worried.

We has been thinkin of killin de fatted claf for Bosco. De Calumny Chappel have got one, but dey wont lend him to us. Here is a pitcher of de beest in quetsion, wot is gonna be saved.



Now I'd better explane what happenned. We got a tellephone call from de local Cathlic Churhc to say dey had kindapped Bosco to stop him savin poeple, dey will stop at nuffink dem Cathlics.

Bein Cathlics and used to methodds of torcher, dey had locked up poor Bosco in a dunngeon. He was keepin up his spirrits by singing hynms about how he was saved, washed in de blud of de Labm, and reddy to collect his golden crown at de check-in at Heaven's Gate. Indeed, he had alreddy sent a prayer to Jessus wiv detales of de mesurements of his head, it aint much fun spendin eternitty wiv a crown dat don't fit.



Well, de Cathlics wanted $10,000 ransome, or dey said dey was gonna send him back to us. "We dont want dis gibberrin idoit singin here all day long," dey said. "We got some seroius iddle-worshippin to get on wiv. Give us de duogh and we'll make sure he dissappears."

De Calumny Chappel was very keen on payin de ransome, as dey said $10,000 was a reel bargian, to be rid of Bosco for ever. But I is a luvvin bruvver and refussed to pay, so dese Cathlic feinds sent Bosco home again. I did suggest dat dey cuold take my Anti Moly in exchange, but dey didnt want her.

Still, dis gave me an idea, and so we has put an advert in de newspapper placin our Anti Moly on de markett.

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OLD LADY NOW AVIALABLE TO A GOOD HOME

WE WILL PAY $10,000 IF YOU'LL TAKE HER AWAY





VERY USEFULL IF YOU NEEDS ANY SCREEMIN DONE

COMES WITH SPARE SET OF FLASE TEETH

FOND OF CHILDDREN, BUT WILL ALSO EAT SNAKES, SCROPIONS, WELL ANYFINK REELY

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So far noboddy is very interrested.

Off to see de physchaitrist

Ullo dere Bosco, I hopes you dont mind me reveelin your confiddential meddical records, but I fink it will help peeple to unnderstand your plihgt.

We went to see de physchaitrist Dr Fraud, who looked after Bosco a few weeks ago when we was stayin wiv Damain Thopmson in de Mabeldurrum Home for de Dangerously Loony. Poor Bosco he cant sleep he wakes up in de nihgt cryin "Keep dem cement iddles away from me! De Pope's gonna burn me! Eccles you is reely Hilda! I aint saved!"

Dr Fraud says dere is nuffin to worry about Bosco... he will write to de Pope pussonally to ask him not to burn you, and also dat Jessus phoned him up to say you is probbably saved too, but keep writtin your luvly blogg to be absolutley certtain of Salivation, all de folks in Heaven is waitin for de next installmeant. We can't do much about Bosco's bad dreams about cement iddles, but Dr Fraud he gonna double de dose of Fruitcakol, de meddicine for dem wots got severe halluccinations.

We asked Dr Fraud if he wanted to keep Bosco in for obbservation, and he started foammin at de mouf and hittin his own head against de wall, I fink dat means not just now.

Meanwhile, dey is startin to do some converssions to de Calumny Chappel, so dat we can have a larger torcher chamber in de bassement. De workman broke his pickax and asked us "Eccles and Bosco, does you have a pickax to lend me for de converssions?" Bosco he replies, yes, he had been usin one on some Cathlics only other day. He werent sure if dey was converted now, but he had made some major adjusments to deir faces.

Bosco, dere bruvver, if you is feelin a little better now, has you got any oppinions on dis Cathlic iddle? Why is it standin by a grabage bin?