Givvin to charitty

De storry so far. Bosco have been givven permision to commit one murder, knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven by Farver Arfur, a Cathlic preist in good standin. We is still tryin to geuss who de lucky victtim will be.

Meanwhile Anti Moly and me was just about to tuck into Bosco's nuorishing pie what he made from allmonds and what smelt reely strong, when dere was a knokc on de door.
"If dat's a freind of mine, tell em come to come in," said Anti Moly. "If not, chuck a brick at em."
"You ain't got no freinds, Moly Hun," said Bosco. He calls her Hun sometimes, as she was once enggaged to de Herrman Gorring (she says it was her what broke de rellationship off, but I heard rumors dat in fact he did it cos he fought she was too agressive).

It turned out to be Farver Arfur, who said he was collectin for CAFFOD, de charrity what helps starvin poeple. It used to be quite Cathlic, but dat werent verry poppular, so dey doesnt worry about dat too much now. In fact dey keeps sendin rude letters to de Pop saying dat he's got it all wrong. So we quite likes dem.

Here is a pitcher of Farver Arfur and his freinds from CAFFOD.



"What shuold I give?" I asked Farver Arfur.
"Give what you can, my son," he repplied. I aint reely his son, but he says dat poeple wont beleive he is a preist if he dont say fings like dat.

So I made de grate sacriffice and sent Farver Arfur away carryin Bosco's allmond pie (dem starvin chaps in Affrica is reely gonna enjoy dat). We also gave him a botle of Anti Moly's homemade cacctus gin, what also makes a grate tiolet cleaner. We aint heard any more of him since then.

Which reminds me, in de Calumny Chappel we has put up a statue of St Thommas de Baker. It is made out of a cacctus, so dat poeple like Bosco doesnt kiss it in a fit of abbsent-mindedness. Aint dat cute?

Bosco's vicctim

As we reveeled yesterday, my bruvver Bosco has been given a licennse to kill. By sayin lotsa Hale Marys and payin a fee to Farver Arfur de funny preist, Bosco has purchassed de rihgt to commit one mudrer knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven. (Dis is Cathlic thoelogy, we what is saved can do what we wants alreddy, as we is washed in de blood of de Labm.)

"Dat's grate, Bosco," I said, "is we gonna git rid of Anti Moly? We doesnt get much sleep at nihgts as she stays up until dawn bloggin and screemin at de lapptop. What's more has you seen what she done to de Calumny Chappel? It's walkin around on legs. Dat aint natural for a churhc. Pastor Vermicelli is furrious."



Bosco gave me a strange look and said "Nope, I got a more obviuos vicctim."

"You ain't goin to kill off one of your girlfiends, is you?" I asked. "De fat one is it, wiv de beuatiful duaghter dat you got on your blogg? Or Damain Thopmson? He seems to have stopped being saved now, and is turnin into a Cathlic again - he's even writing bloggs about Cradinal Vauhgan School, where de kids are tuaght how to worship iddles and dey gets beeten if dey looks at de Bibble."

Bosco smiled eniggmatically.

"Oh well, will you let me know when you has got a victtim, darlin bruvver?" I asked.
"Certtainly, Eccles," said Bosco, "you will be de first to know."

My bruvver is a kind pusson really. He told me dat he has fuond a recippe for cookin allmonds, and he is goin to make me an allmond pie for dinner tonihgt. I took a photto of Bosco cookin dinner. He is wearin a gas massk, and dat's becuase he's got bad breath and dont want to annoy us.



Before I goes in for dinner, I wants to tell you about a grate book dat Bosco fuond on de Internnet, which has got some pitchers of de crimes of Cathlics. We aint entirely sure who dese guys is, but de small chap is called David, which is a Cathlic name, and he looks like a nasty piece of work.

Bosco does pennances

My dere bruvver Bosco is a very holly pusson, and he was readin about Pop John-Pual doin pennances, so he fought he mihgt try dis himsself. Of course bein saved he doesnt ever committ sins, but he saw an advert in de newspapper which looked interrestin.

DOES YOU WANT A REAL TREET? PHON SISTER WHIPPIE OF DE SISTERS OF NO MERCY ON 202-456-1414 AND SHE WILL GIVE YOU A GOOD TIME.

"Dat's de fing for me!" said Bosco, and he went off to visit dis Whippie dame. He came back lookin very disappointed. Apparrently he had hoped dat she wuold tie him to de bed and beet him tottally senseless (he dont have far to go, I suppose), but all she did was feed him on puddins until he felt sick.



De next day we got anuvver unexpected telephon call from Farver Arfur. "Hello," he says. "I is a preist in good standin, as I may have mentoined before. I has even got my own cossack and surplus, wot I buoght in a car boot sail in Rom. Wuold you like to confess some sins? I has got a letter from de Pop sayin dat I can forgive dem. Or if you says some Hale Marys and pays me $100, den I can give you addvance permissoin to commit lots of sins."

Bosco said dat he wuold take 1000 Hale Marys worth of forgivness, and Farver Arfur said dat for a big pennance like dat Bosco cuold have a licence to kill (1 murder). Or he could do 5 greivous boddily harms, or 100 minnor sins, like throwin cabbages at little old ladies in de street, or usin a sockpoppet on a blogg.

So Bosco is finkin carefully abuot some interrestin and origginal new sinns, we doesnt want to waste dis creddit wiv de Lord.



Since Bosco soon got fed up with Whippie puddins, his spiritaul adviser, Sister Whippie, offered him somefink called Angle Delihgt which was also very holly-soundin. But he didnt like it.

Now Bosco got a job advertising breakfast serials, dey said dat he was de perfect pusson to sell de prodduct. We aint quite figgered out why dey fink dat.

Going striaght

Well, Damain was releesed from prisson, after de pussonal intervention of bruvver Borris, and he has vowed to go striaght, i.e. do nuffin dat will upset de Pop, wot secretly controlls de Pollice in Enggland. Bosco tells me dat dey is all Freemassons, you see, and goes around wiv dere truoser legs rolled up. Dats why de Pop wears a dress so you can't see dat he got rolled up truoser legs underneaf.

So you will not see Damain doin any of dese fings dat saved poeple like my bruvver Bosco does.

1. Shout "I is saved and you isn't buster" frew de winder of de hospittal to encourrage poeple what is dyin.
2. Dress up as a clown and go to de Calumny Chappel.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from forbbidden books like de Bibble in de origginal version written by King James.

Instead, he is gonna do the followin.

1. Say "I fink dat de ordinnariate is a wonderfull fing and it wuold be a good fing if de Magic Circus bishops didnt keep tryin to pioson Monsingors Newtton, Burnnham and Broahdurst."
2. Dress up in a shabby siut and go to de Mass.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from Twiter.

Damain sure was aged by bein in prisson. Dis is what he looks like now.



Actaully, we aint feelin very happy wiv Damain right now. It turns out dat before he was arressted he made anuvver trip to Lost Angels to research his new book on dognut addiction (dat's why on Twiter dey calls him "Holey Snack"). He didnt even tell Bosco and me dat he was gonna be there, so he missed out on all de delihgts of minglin with saved poeple. Why even Anti Moly had planed to take him to a gin pallace. We is all deeply offendded.

Bosco has ressumed de BOSCO FOR POP campaing. He finks dat de best way to make himself poppular wiv Cathlics is to prettend he is Gerrman like de Pop. De only Gerrmans he knows about are de Nazzis, so he dressed himself up like a Nazzi and went into de street to make a speech, he fuoght it would go well like dem Nurrenbug Relays.



"Follow me gut pople and you vill be saved," said my dere bruvver Bosco. "Ze Pop is an old man, und it is time dat ve had a new Foorer who vill torcher dem what aint saved. Heil Bosco!"

De pollice explaned politly to Bosco (by hittin him wiv dere battons) dat Nazzis are not very poppular dese days. Bosco told dem dat secrettly de Pop hid Hittler in de Vattican when de war ended in 1945. Dat didnt make any diference, de pollice carried on hittin my bruvver Bosco.

My Anti Moly says dat when she was yuong she was engagged to Herrman Gorring, but she fuoght he was a bit of a windbag and broke off de engaggement. Dis is one of de ironnies of histry, cos if my Anti had been less fussy, dere mihgt have been no World War 2.

Dis is a pitcher of de man wot frew himself at Anti's feet.

Damain is arressted

We has had de most worryin news. As you know, we is grate freinds wiv Damain Thopmson, who visited us in Lost Angles a few months ago, and spent some time in de funny farm wiv us. We mannaged to save him, and he is no longer a Cathlic blogger (de bloody crazy hammster, as dey used to call him), but is now secrettly a follower of de Calumny Chappel. Such is de evangellical power of my bruvver Bosco's luvvly blogg.

Anyway, Damain decidded to attend a service at de Calumny Chappel in Londdon, and he got arressted! We fink it is de Pop to blame, as if you does apostassy de Pop torchers you. My bruvver Bosco told me dat so it must be true.

We is making all efforts to get him releesed, so dat he can write more luvvly bloggs about Joanne Hairy. We has got suport from de Mare of Londdon, Borris Jonhson, who is very sympathettic to de Calumny Chappel, we fink he may even be saved.

Bruvver Borris have sent a special mesage of symmpathy.

"Cripes! The bounders! Chin up, Damian old fruit, Boris will soon get you out of durance vile. Crikey, what a cad's trick to play on you, fellow scribbler!"

I apollogise for de spelling, I cut and passted Borris's e-male, and frankly we is still trying to decod it.

Anyway, dis photto shows dat Borris is alreddy negottiatin wiv de costume holly man Pop ("What ho, Pop!") So we hopes dat Damain will soon be releesed and writin more of his luvvly bloggs.

Anti Moly is very upset by de news. She has found sollace in drinkin lots of gin, but dis is expenssive, so I gotta put in an advert to pay for it.

---

FOR SALE

VERY BIG HOUSE, ONLY ONE PREVOIUS OWNER (NOW DECAESED)

FREE BONNUS STATUE TO SCARE OFF BURGLERS

APPLY TO FARVER ARFUR, PREIST IN GOOD STANDIN AND ESTATE AGGENT

---

Late news: Farver Arfur is also suporttin de "Releese Damain" campaing. "I has sent a letter to de Pop in Avingon," he says. I fink his adress book needs updattin.

Star Trekk

De world is waitin for de full story of how Bosco met de characters from Star Trekk, when he was a little kid. De way he tells it is dat Leiutenant Uhurra (Nichele Nicholls) came to a party at our huose, and he was asleep upstares, but de reallity is rather different.

We was little kids, and in de bedroom Bosco was asleep, dreemin sweetly dat he was beetin up some nuns. I was awake finking about de probblems of being saved. What happenned was dat four Star Trekk characters turned up in our bedroom, as de sensers on de Entreprise told dem about a strangge creecher dat lived dere.



De lady in de party was indeed Leiutenant Uhurra, she screemed when she saw my bruvver Bosco, but otherwise she didnt say much. De one wiv de big ears is called Sock. He took a long look at my darlin bruvver Bosco and said "Dat's life, Jim, but not as we know it! I don't fink dis creecher is saved."

De leeder chap was called Kerk, dat means churhc, so we cuold tell he was relligiuos. "We abhorrs vilence at all times," he said, "but den we doesn't want dis freek to turn into a Cathlic. I fink I'll soften him up wiv de phassar, just to be on de safe side."

He fired de phassar at Bosco's head, but de deadly rays just buonced off, sometimes it is useful to have a crannium as hard as concreet.

De remainin chap was called Bons, and he was a doctor. He was very interresed by dis skelleton dat was given us by de Calumny Chappel for us to pray to in de bedroom at nihgt, and he was sure dat it was saved.



Anyways, de Star Trekk crew decidded dat Bosco was not much of a threat to civillization (dey did say dat hundreds might die of boredom when dey heard him preechin, but dats reely not nice, it's only been a dozzen at most so far). So Kerk said "Beem us up, Spotty," and den dey all vannished.

My Anti Moly says dat Captin Kerk visitted her too when she was yuonger; dey even had a short rommance cos dat's what always happens in dem storries. Dis is a pitcher of dem bein affectionnate.

We meets a funny preist

Well here we is at de seeside again (Seel Beech) and here is a pitcher of Bosco directin an outdoors prayer meetin. Note dat we doesnt stand or kneel when we prays, we just walks on de hands in de name of de Lord, singin one of our hynms.



Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk on de hands for de Lord.

We has met many interestin poeple and told dem dat dey wasnt saved like us. However, we may have met our match wiv Farver Arfur of de Church of de Eleven Anonnymouse Cathlics. Dis man was anxiuos to persaude us dat he was a preist, but you wuold never guess, would you?



Anti Moly screemed "Sockpoppet! ROFL!" at him, but she does dat at everyone, even de dentist when he is providin her wiv new flase teef cos de old ones was worn out wiv bitin poeple. So dat dont signiffy nuffink.

Farver Arfur insissted dat he was a preist, and produced a pile of tetsimonials from a lotta well-known people of integgrity like Baron Munchhaussen, Richard Noxin, Jeffrey Arrcher, Mohamed El Fayyed, Tonny Blair and Joanne Hairy. Dese said dat Farver Arfur was a preist in good standin. Well, in fact de accounts varried, some said he was a profit, some said he was a cradinal, and de luvvly Joanne said he was de Pop. So we gotta beleive it. Mind you, Arfur also told us he was a brane surgoen, a nuclaer pyhsicist and an Olymmpic pole-vualter in good standin, he is a man of manny talents.

Well, we aint Cathlic, we is saved poeple, and so we tries not to have much to do with Farver Arfur. When he telephons in de nihgt to say "Hello, I is a preist. Wuold you like to buy de Eiffell Tower?" we just puts de phon down.

All dis is a distractoin from de Lord's work, which is condenming gravven immages, iddles, and costume holly men. We fuond dis gravven image of a costume holly man in Farver Arfur's church, he says it is a saint in good standin, but I aint so sure.