Eamon Duffy and the Sovietization of Catholicism

Prof. Eamon Duffy with his biography of Tina Beattie.

The Catholic church was in a state of shock this week, after the distinguished theologian Eamon Duffy waded into the "Justice for Tina" affair with all guns blazing. Duffy expressed his concerns in the wake of a telegram that Tina Beattie had received from San Diego, which said simply, "No Catholic freebies for you, you heretic!"

San Diego - but Tina's not going for a dip!

Duffy - never one to exaggerate - complained of the increased "Sovietization of Catholic intellectual life." We found a startling history of incidents in which Catholic dissidents had been treated as un-persons.

A photo of Boyzone. Keith Duffy is there, but Eamon has been airbrushed out!

Duffy himself is a tragic victim of the Stalinist policies of the Vatican, having been written out of all the major events of Catholic history, in which he played such an important part. "In particular, Pope Benedict omitted me from his Radio Programme Ten Theologians who shook the world, claiming that Martin Luther was more influential than I am," he complained.

The Last Supper - but why has Eamon Duffy been painted out?

Tina Beattie herself has maintained a dignified silence over the affair, limiting herself to a posting on her blog in which she says:

We hate Benedict Sixteen,
We hate Declan Lang too,
We hate San Diego,
But Eamon, we love you!

(For another 47 verses of this song, complete with a two-hundred paragraph article entitled "Why I am keeping a dignified silence," see justice-for-tina.blogspot.com.)

Tina Beattie has accused the Catholic blogosphere of mocking her. This seems unlikely, but she may have been referring to Fr Herman Nootic's "If your career's going down the drain, call a Catholic plumber," and Father Xylophone's "San Diego - a great place for coffee with Catholic theologians in good standing." She also refers to a "scurrilous lying blog by a person who claims to be saved, but who posts photographs with totally inappropriate captions." So far we have not managed to decide which blog she means.

An unidentified professor of Catholic theology attacks the Pope at Midnight Mass.

The ETA course

Welcome to the ETA ("Evangelical Training for Archbishops") course. This course, run by the Church of Holy Trinity, Brompton, is designed for those exploring the Christian faith for the first time, who feel that a career as an archbishop may suit them.

We're all looking for something in life.

Some of the questions we shall be exploring are:

* What's that big black book that you lot keep reading?

* Am I more saved than my neighbour? Should I tell him?

* Holiness. Have I got it? Where can I get it? Does it hurt?

* Are you the chaps who follow the Pope, or is that the Muslims?

* Will I have to learn to play the guitar?

* I like speaking in tongues, but what does Flooble wibmoss grukka lobnewtreally mean?

* Am I allowed to bring my own cushion to sit on in church?

A satisfied customer, JW, took the ETA course and now has a top church job, earning £70k, with free company palace and all the tea he can drink.

Later on, we shall move onto the fundamental questions that trouble people waiting for promotion to bishop or archbishop:

* Do archbishops choose their own mitres, or do they get sent them by the Queen?

* If I use words like "ontology," "numinous," "hermeneutic," and "cirrhosis" in my sermons will people realise that I'm bluffing?

* I have been invited to say something blasphemous on Thought for the Day. Will this count against me?

* Does the Bible recommend same-sex marriages for woman priests?

Warning: this is not the Anglican ETA course - its followers rarely become archbishops.

Bloggers in spat over top Church job

Well-known bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were quarrelling today over which of them had first broken the news that the top Church job would go to Simon Peter, the former fish tycoon and graduate of the prestigious Galilee Fishing College.

Matthew - his blog is read by millions.

"I was there first," claimed Matthew angrily. "As most people know, two names have to be submitted to Jesus, for Him to make the final decision. These names were Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot, and it was felt that Judas was not the person to bring the Church into the First Century, although he might be very influential in the Twenty-first. Mark and Luke, bloggers and journalists for the Synoptic Newspapers, got the story from my Twitter feed. And poor old John hasn't even reported the story yet - I think he can't believe he didn't get the top job himself!"

Being Archbishop of Galilee brings with it various privileges - for example, Peter is guaranteed canonization, and the keys to Heaven - but brings with it the dangers of martyrdom, especially if (as seems probable) the see is moved to Rome.

"So the big key opens the Gates of Heaven, and the small one opens the Saints' washroom?"

Mark, of the Synoptic Times, and Luke, of the Synoptic Telegraph, were angrily maintaining today that they were the ones with the scoop. "Matthew even got the facts wrong about President Herod's re-election," they sneered. "He was tipping the other candidate, Romani."

Over at the Galilee Tablet, Catherine Philistia was angrily complaining that Christ needed to move into the First Century and appoint a woman to head His Church. "I've got a friend called Tina Beelzebub who would be perfect at the job," she insisted. "We know who's really backing Christ - it's an old Man living far away with His head in the clouds!"

John - with a scoop of his own.

Religious news

I'm a heretic...

A new series of the television series I'm a heretic, get me out of here! is just starting. It will be hosted as usual by those lovable churchmen Cantoris and Decani (Cant and Dec), and the line-up this year includes the great Hans Küng and Professor Tina Beattie.

Sister Nadine of the Nuns of St Omnibus.

Cant and Dec explained to us that the contestants would undertake various challenging tasks, which would include swallowing disgusting things - such as Tina Beattie's religious writings - and carving a termite mound into the likeness of a famous theologian.

A termite mound carved into a statue of Hans Küng.

We asked whether the contestants would get Sundays off in order to attend Mass, and Cant and Dec merely responded with hysterical laughter. Now why should that be?

---

Father Dunn dies.

Fr Dunn, with companion.

The death is announced of Father "Grandad" Dunn, at the age of 92. Fr Dunn was a member of the religious organization Exercitus Patri, which flourished in the 1970s. He is fondly remember for his sermons on the subjects, Panic ye not, panic ye not, my people, O Lord, grant me permission to speak, and The ungodly one liketh not a smiting from below. RIP.

---

Oil tycoon to run Church of England?

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting that the Bishop of Durham, Justin Welby, a former oil tycoon, will be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Justin Welby - on the side of the angels.

Welby is the author of many well-regarded theological books, such as Holy Unction - why don't we use more oil? and Natural gas and gaiters. However, his enemies describe him as "a boring man."

The See of Canterbury (if he gets it) will give Welby a new platform for his views.

Obama explains how the Bible supports him

President Barack Obama, well known to be a very devout Christian, has released an advert explaining how his policies are based on Biblical writings.

Cain and Abel - an economic lesson for us all.

"I base my economic policies on the much-loved story of Cain and Abel," explained the President. "Abel was a rich man, able to make the Lord a good offering, whereas Cain was poor, and came from a broken family, driven out of their home in Eden. What was he to do but kill Abel? Only the most die-hard Republicans would criticise him."

Hurricane Obama (formerly Sandy).

"Hurricane Obama (formerly known as Sandy) is another sign that the Lord is with me. Recall the verses of Jeremiah:

 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Look! Disaster is spreading
    from nation to nation;
a mighty storm is rising
    from the ends of the earth.'

The fact that New York has been badly devastated at this time is a sign that the Lord is telling the people of America 'Vote for that nice man Obama!'"

The Gadarene swine - doing Christ's bidding.

"I have always liked the story of the Gadarene swine - indeed, when people accuse me of leading America over a cliff, both morally, economically and socially, I say to them, 'But it is what Christ is telling us to do!'"

Kids! Horrid things! Let's kill them!

"Some of you may be wondering how the Bible justifies my policies on late-term abortion and even partial-birth abortion. I take my lead from King David, no less, who said, in one of his chart-topping psalms:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones 
against the stones.

I hope we'll hear no more complaints about abortion, especially as my Vice-President, saintly Joe Biden, tells me that his sincerely-held Catholic faith leads directly to a pro-abortion standpoint. He's a great admirer of King Herod, and always has a good laugh on Holy Innocents' Day."

The Beast of the Apocalypse - have we misjudged him?

"The word 'apocalypse' is from the Greek word Ἀποκάλυψις, which means 'revelation' or 'unveiling.' I have always felt it my duty to bring an apocalypse to the United States. One character in the book of the Apocalypse - who, like me, has had a bad press in some right-wing circles - is known to his friends as 'Beast,' just as I am. A much misjudged character, who merely wanted to stick to his principles, as I do."

"I hope this puts an end to all talk questioning my religious faith."

New Bond Film praised by Vatican

The new James Bond film, Stonefall, has been praised in enthusiastic terms by the Vatican: indeed, it is believed that the Pope has already watched it three times.

The film features agent Keith O'Brien - also known as O.O.Brien - who is sent on a dangerous mission by his boss, codenamed "B," who replaced the previous head, "J.P.," about seven years ago.

Agent O.O.Brien. Note the radio transmitter disguised as a pectoral cross.

Before starting his mission, O.O.Brien goes to see the eccentric Cardinal Q, who provides him with a Biretta 418, a bullet-proof cope, and a supply of truth drug for extracting Confessions. He also equips him with a large crozier, which can be used as a sword-stick.

Q demonstrates the use of the sword-stick.

O.O.Brien is sent to confront the sinister Stonefall, an organization which aims to break up society from within by destroying the institution of marriage. The mysterious Rosa Klegg is allied with them, having already infiltrated the British Government, and following her lead they refer to all their enemies as "By-Gods." O.O.Brien is soon Enemy Number One as far as Stonefall is concerned.

Rosa Klegg, Head of Operations for LIBDEM.

One twist in the plot is that Giles "The Vicar" Fraser, first thought to be working for the allied organization COE, turns out to be on the side of Stonefall, and against the By-Gods.

Well, in the end O.O.Brien lives to fight another day, but his adventures are not over, as it then turns out that another evil organization called T.A.B.L.E.T. is directly threatening "B" himself.

"B," change your teaching on abortion, divorce, and same-sex marriage or T.A.B.L.E.T. will destroy your missal-guidance systems. Oh, and has anyone seen my white cat?

Warning: not suitable for children under the age of 16.

Honours flood in for Giles Fraser

After his wonderful Hero of the Year award from Stonewall - their most coveted award actually going to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for his defence of traditional marriage - other distinguished organizations have rushed to honour the BBC's Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser: "Totally and utterly delighted, proud and made up."

First off the mark was the Dawkins Foundation, which, in awarding Fraser their Atheist of the year medal, explained, "Whenever Giles opens his mouth on Thought for the Day, hundreds of Christians either shoot themselves, or turn atheist. Seeing a priest of the Established Church whose religious beliefs are so vague does wonders for our cause."

"Dear Dr Fraser, you've probably never heard of me, but I am a great admirer of yours."

Another, less welcome, tribute came in from the Jimmy Savile Fan Club, whose motto is Nunc tunc, nunc tunc (Now then, now then!) "Were Jimmy alive today," they said, "we are sure that he would be an admirer of Giles Fraser. Dr Fraser is one of the stars of the BBC."

Jimmy Savile, himself, was willing to mix with the dregs of society.

Finally, the Society of Saint Judas Iscariot (SSJI), a breakaway Christian sect which believes that Judas should not be blamed, as he was only doing God's will, has also paid tribute to Giles Fraser. "He's only doing God's will," they said today.

Judas, a regular speaker on Thought for the Day.