Salvation is now a Human Right

Following a landmark decision by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, all religions based in Europe (including the Catholics and the Anglicans) are now obliged to offer salvation as a human right.

Heaven - get a good lawyer, and it can be yours!

This verdict has naturally caused a lot of trouble in religious circles. A joint statement from the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury (supported by the Archpastor of the Baptists and others) said "There est no bonum in nos telling fideles that possunt condemned ad damnation eternam for peccata if tunc lawyers solvunt them." (With hindsight, it was unwise for them to write alternate words, but it was a compromise.)

The European Court of Human Rights - the architect was inspired by Hieronymus Bosch's paintings of Hell.

In compliance with the ECHR decision, various bits of the Bible will need to be rewritten, or at least supplied with clarifying footnotes to say that they are not to be taken seriously. The ruling has been greeted with enthusiasm by the dissident Catholic group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion), which has long maintained that references to "wailing and gnashing of teeth" were inserted in the Bible by the Vatican as a means of repression. From now on, wailing and gnashing of teeth will be restricted to those Masses where liturgical dancing, puppets, or Paul Inwood hymns are on offer.

Gnashing of teeth - but is it a possible risk to Health and Safety?

Pope objects to new statues

Following the news that Pope Francis has objected to a statue of himself in Brazil, it is thought that other statues of the Holy Father will also have to be taken down.

Mount Rushmore honours Pope Francis.

In the United States, a hastily-constructed statue of Pope Francis, to replace that of one of the Presidents ("we're not sure who he is, but he isn't Washington or Lincoln, so he probably wasn't important"), is likely to be demolished. President Obama is already offering himself as a replacement.

Notre Dame honours Pope Francis.

Likewise, at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, it is thought that replacing the head of the martyred St Denis by that of Pope Francis was in somewhat bad taste.

One major religious figure who is very happy to have statues of himself all over the world is of course Hans Küng; however, he regards himself as more than a mere president or saint, and is negotiating with the Brazilian authorities to take his place on a very famous statue indeed.

Küng the Redeemer.

Eccles is hacked.

I was sittin at de computter yesterday, planning de next bit of spiritaul nuorishment for my long-sufferin readers, viz. an in-depth analysis of de book 1 Kings for de Eccles Bibble project, when I noticed dat de pitchers on my blogg was all disappearin.

Wot is left when your pitchers has gone.

In de words of de Tridentine Mass Cui Bono? wot means "As a benefit to whom?" (Or, in de translatoin done by Mgr Bassil Loftus in the 1960s, "Whose is dem bones?" - I fink he was referrin to Ezekiel 37.)

So we has to look at all de usual suspects.

"Well, if you've all got alibis, we must look elsewhere..."

Reely, the fust on my list of suspects should be my dere Bruvver Bosco, wot is a saved pusson like me. He and I aint never seen eye-to-eye, which is odd as I often just echoes what he is sayin. However, Bosco aint got de technical know-how to hack a saved pusson's blogg: he once spent three weeks unable to logg on to his own blogg cos de CAPS LOCK key was on. He cuoldn't phone de technical support cos he mistook de TV channel changer for a mobile phone.

So it aint Bosco. Nor Anti Moly, whose laptopp aint workin since she threw it at Mgr X. Pell De Mons, de local Cathlic priest.

Bosco shares in his little bruvver's sorrows.

Could it be our dere friend Damain Thopmson, alias Captain Custard? A careless reeder of dis blogg might say dat he was bein mocked occasoinally; more careful reeders knows dat he is learnin a lot from my blogg, and his own little blogg is soundin more and more like a paroddy of mine.

Archbishop Nichols points de finger, but I fink he is wrong.

De fertile mind of Eccles thought a bit more about people who might not apprecaite his writins. Could dear old Richard Dakwins be exasperated by de Eccles Bibble Project, which is forcin him to read a book of de Bibble every week after havvin had it explaned to him by an expert? We is comin up to Sollomon, what was a wise (and slightly saved) pusson - maybe de Professor is scared dat he may be reveeled as not bein very wise himself?

Eccles, come clean now - is it wise to cut babies in half, or not?

Well de list of suspects is long, as dere is many wot doesnt luv poor Eccles. We can rule out Basil Loftus, Giles Fraser, and de staff of de Tablet, as dey aint viscous pussons, dey is kind and luvvin, even if dey is wrong on most fings.

Well, my fust break was when I found a biretta lying round de house. Can it be a clue?

Wot can dis mean?

To be continued...

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For dem wot cares, I is gonna repare de most recent blosts, and de most poppular, but de rest is gonna be like de Bibble, and have no pitchers.

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. Eccles. 1:2.

Hello, hello, hello! What's all this, then?

There is a famous Not the Nine O' Clock News sketch in which a certain Constable Savage is told off for over-zealous policing. It turns out that Constable Savage has now been transferred to Wimbledon, where he has now branched out into arresting Christians.

Inspector: So, Constable Savage, while your colleagues have been arresting visiting American preachers, I see that you have arrested another gentleman, a Mr Peter Smith. What exactly are the charges you are making against him?

The prisoner.

Savage: We had lots of complaints, sir. He was wearing a fancy hat in a public place, and carrying an offensive weapon.

Inspector: I think those are the tools of his trade, Savage. Was he preaching any religious doctrine, of the sort that might give offence to our LBGT Community, or indeed our TMOB (Trouble-Making Old Busybody) Community?

Savage: No, nobody could accuse him of giving any religious leadership, Inspector. But he was also seen associating with another gentleman, who was causing a public nuisance by wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness. So we arrested him as well.

Wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness.

Inspector: Savage, the law says you should only arrest Christians if they say something in public. It doesn't matter what, it can be classed as hate crime, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, ...

Savage: But I hate Christians, sir.

Inspector: Well, so do we all. Now, who else have you brought in?

Savage: A young lady, who was speaking in tongues, sir. A Miss Sharapova.

Inspector: What exactly was she saying, Constable?

Savage: Well, it was more a case of grunting and shrieking noises, sir. (Consults notebook.) "Urgh. Oorgh. Aaargh. Owww!" Can't we do her for hate speech?

Speaking in tongues.

Inspector: No go, Savage. We'd never be able to make the charges stick. Now, I see you have one more prisoner. You entered a building called a "church" and found him reading out offensive words?

Savage: Yes, sir, I confiscated the book he was reading from. It's a real shocker, full of sex and violence, murders, rapes, the lot.

A book which glorifies teenage violence.

Inspector: Ah yes, this "Bible". It's not yet on the "banned" list, but it is evidence of subversive thought. Which part was he reading out?

Savage: Some bit called "Matthew 19", sir. And Jesus said: Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness. Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Inspector: Sounds like a trouble-maker, this Jesus. The name sounds familiar - see if he's got form, Constable. Writing words like that could cause offence to our well-respected MATL community.

Savage: MATL?

Inspector: Murderers, Adulterers, Thieves and Liars, Constable. Do try and keep up.

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This post was begun by Eccles and finished off by Pope Francis.

Pope Francis struggles to think of a final punch-line.

I'm a Catholic and I'm O.K.

Here at last is the song that will offend Obama, Cameron, Hollande, Kenny, ... All of them. If you don't know the tune, you can find it here.

Oh, I'm a Catholic, and I'm okay,
I go to church and I like to pray.

The choir

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I genuflect,
I say the Rosary.
On Fridays I go shopping
And eat just fish for tea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he genuflects,
He says the Rosary.
On Fridays he goes shopping
And eats just fish for tea.

Probably a Catholic bird.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, confess my sins,
I feel that God is near.
I don't think that abortion
Is such a good idea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, confesses sins,
He feels that God is near.
He doesn't think abortion is such a good idea???
WHAT???

A nasty pro-life Catholic fiend. We hates them.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I shun divorce,
I'm definitely pro-life.
I don't think that two men can
Be called "husband and wife".

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he shuns divorce
He's definitely pro-life??? How dare he?
He doesn't think two men can be called "husband and wife"???
Bigot! Lock him up!

Oh Bevis! And I always thought you were a Tablet Catholic!

Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

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Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

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Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

Lumen Fidei - what will it contain?

Excitement is mounting as the encyclical Lumen Fidei, jointly authored by popes Benedict XVI and Francis, is due to hit the bookstalls on Friday 5th July.

The two popes (in traditional white vestments) celebrate the completion of their work.

We asked some of our regular readers what they expected to see in this document, which is sure to become a best-seller.

Professor Tina Beattie, Roehampton. Clearly a new broom has entered the Vatican, which will sweep away all the cobwebs of traditionalism and bring us to the pure Catholicism as invented by the Vatican II Council. Expect a more relaxed attitude to same-sex marriage, abortion, and divorce, and perhaps a few sentences likening the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse! From now on nobody is going to stop me from lecturing, where and when I wish! I did it MY way...

Tina, you SHALL go to the ball!

Archbishop Piero Marini, liturgical expert. Ha ha ha, at last I'll have my revenge on Benedict! He's had his encyclical totally rewritten by Pope Francis the Wonderful. From now on there'll be no more Latin, in fact no more prayers at all. We're gonna dance, dance, dance! By the way, Holy Father, just in case you're looking for a new Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, perhaps it's time for one who has a fondness for pagan rites? Just a thought...

Lord of the Prance.

Damian Thompson, experienced Vatican-watcher.What many fans of Pope Francis have been waiting to see is a definitive statement on the liturgical role of custard. It seems likely that this is the document that we have been waiting for, at least as an interim statement until a full Custard Council can be convened. But my spies tell me that, whereas Pope Benedict prefers the "Extraordinary Form" of custard made with real eggs, his successor is more of an "Ordinary Form" man, and prefers it out of a tin. We shall see.

A shock for traditionalists.